my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Archive for May 2010

I came across this old goodie today when I had my itunes on shuffle. Listening to the lyrics I realized that not much has changed in regards to: (a) women wanting a good man, and; (b) what women consider a ‘good man’.

For your enjoyment:

Salt ‘N Pepa featuring en Vogue “Whatta man”
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man
What a man, what a man, what a man
What a mighty good man

I wanna take a minute or two, and give much respect due
To the man that’s made a difference in my world
And although most men are ho’s he flows on the down low
Cuz I never heard about him with another girl
But I don’t sweat it because it’s just pathetic
To let it get me involved in that he said/she said crowd
I know that ain’t nobody perfect, I give props to those who deserve it
And believe me y’all, he’s worth it
So here’s to the future cuz we got through the past
I finally found somebody that can make me laugh

CHORUS

My man is smooth like Barry, and his voice got bass
A body like Arnold with a Denzel face
He’s smart like a doctor with a real good rep
And when he comes home he’s relaxed with Pep
He always got a gift for me everytime I see him
A lot of snot-nosed ex-flames couldn’t be him
He never ran a corny line once to me yet
So I give him stuff that he’ll never forget
He keeps me on Cloud Nine just like the Temps
He’s not a fake wannabe tryin’ to be a pimp
He dresses like a dapper don, but even in jeans
He’s a God-sent original, the man of my dreams

Yes, my man says he loves me, never says he loves me not
Tryin’ to rush me good and touch me in the right spot
See other guys that I’ve had, they tried to play all that mac shit
But every time they tried I said, “That’s not it”
But not this man, he’s got the right potion
Baby, rub it down and make it smooth like lotion
Yeah, the ritual, highway to heaven
From seven to seven he’s got me open like Seven Eleven
And yes, it’s me that he’s always choosin’
With him I’m never losin’, and he knows that my name is not Susan
He always has heavy conversation for the mind
Which means a lot to me cuz good men are hard to find

CHORUS

My man gives real loving that’s why I call him Killer
He’s not a wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am, he’s a thriller
He takes his time and does everything right
Knocks me out with one shot for the rest of the night
He’s a real smooth brother, never in a rush
And he gives me goose pimples with every single touch
Spends quality time with his kids when he can
Secure in his manhood cuz he’s a real man
A lover and a fighter and he’ll knock a knucker out
Don’t take him for a sucker cuz that’s not what he’s about
Every time I need him, he always got my back
Never disrespectful cuz his mama taught him that

CHORUS

This is how urban dictionary defines me:

“A very pretty girl who is shy at first but then she will open up. She is very trustworthy and has a great sense of humor. She falls for people fast and doesn’t trust easily. She is beautiful inside and out people just don’t realize it….. yet. She’s kickass and a great friend to have.”

Pretty much sums it up.

What do you think?

No, my goal for this post is not to be like whatshisface. I’m not trying to get you laid. I’m trying to give good, maybe a little shy guys, an opening.  I’m trying to up the ante and get some more than decent guys on the market. Think about the end game. The goal of any opening/pick up line is keep her talking, and ultimately get her number. Well, I may not be able to help with the latter, but I think these are a few gems that will help with the former.

1. “You’ve lost that loving feeling.”

What girl doesn’t want to be serenaded? I mean it worked in the movie. I suppose for this to really work the girl would have to know what you’re referencing, because that’s actually the whole point of it. Maybe not? Anyways, I have actually always wanted to try this move on a guy.

I think the goal of any pick up line is to get the girl to smile, to laugh and to ultimately create an icebreaker. And really, how can you turn someone down who has the guts to do this?

In full pick-up line disclosure I have been serenaded at a club to this. Not exactly the same, but a good song nonetheless. It probably would have worked better if I wasn’t already planning to walk out the door before they started. Oh and I was dating some one. Opps.  I was impressed. Which brings me to another hint: don’t wait until the very last-minute. If the girl looks like she is going to leave, give her a reason to stay…

2. “(There’s no need to leave so soon) I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you.”

This is a line from Eric Clapton’s Lay Down Sally. Of course I don’t think it’s necessary for the person in question to know where this line is coming from. I mean seriously, if a guy had been eyeing me across the bar and came up to me later in the night and said, “I’ve been waiting all night long just to talk to you,”  I’d be moved. I’d smile. I’d feel flattered. Most importantly I would want to know what he is going to say next.

In full disclosure of pick-up line history I have had a (somehow) variation of this line used on me. We had already talked a little throughout the night, so when he saw me gather my things and start to leave he spoke up. “You’re leaving?  That’s my loss.” What can I say? It worked. Damn.

3. “Can I buy you a drink?”

This one is old-fashioned, sure, but it’s also tried and true. Sometimes guys complain that they can’t offer to buy a girl a drink because her drink is already too full. Sounds like a real problem. If you are already talking to her, then wait until it’s about 1/3 left. If you are want to use this line as an introduction to a conversation then watch her drink. I think if a girl’s drink is half full it’s fair game to offer to buy her another. Lol. I know that sounds weirdly stalkerish to wait to approach a girl when her drink is half full but I think this is a good rule of thumb mostly because this opening should lead to conversation. You don’t have to buy her a drink the second you offer. Wait a few minutes and make conversation with her in the meantime.

4. Eye contact and smile.

Again this one might seem obvious. I know every time a guy makes eye contact with me I usually freak out and get nervous. A nice smile and strong eye contact can sometimes catch you off guard. Give her a chance to process the fact that you are interested in her. I know I usually need a few minutes after strong eye contact is made. Give her a few minutes and position yourself so you can easily see if she’s looking your way. This is usually her returning your initial contact and inviting you for an opener.

5. “You’re Mexican? I love mexican food.”

(Lol. I had to put this one in.) I mean unless you plan on eating me…

6. “Hey, can I get a female perspective on something?”

Remember you are trying to create a situation that will lead into a conversation. One method recommended by readers is to set up this more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ situation by asking her opinion about something. Something along the lines of, “hey, can i get a female perspective on something?” of “Can you recommend something on the menu?” Make sure you have a developed (yet brief) background, something like, “my friend still has pictures of him and his ex, but his current girlfriend wants him to get rid of them, but he doesn’t want to because he’s still friends with his ex – what should he do?”

This is good because it allows the girl to lead the conversation where she feels comfortable. This allows her feel in control, which will probably help her feel confident in leading the conversation and give her a nice boost. Girls also love giving their opinion and being seen as an expert in lady affairs (as this blog attests too).

7. the seinfeld bet

Any Seinfeld fans out there? Remember the episode where some character asks Elaine (and some other chick) out by purposefully making a bet with the woman and losing. The loser, of course, has to pay for dinner. Tricky. Tricky. But it’s a good way to show how charming you can be in a date like setting. Why not? And if she knows you lost the bet on purpose maybe she’ll feel flattered and will go out with you anyway.

8. ask her to dance

Before you grind up on her, ask her to dance. I hate when some fool I don’t know puts his hand on my hip and assumes I want him thrusting at me. Ew. Gross. I don’t know you. I don’t want your sweatiness all up on me.  Yes ask her to dance but don’t get all up on her the first time around. She will appreciate the space. She won’t think you’re not interested because you’re not touching her body, on the contrary, she will be relieved that you are not like every other creeper.

9. “You look nice.” (or some variation)

It’s simple. It’s to the point. Girls want to be complimented. They want someone to notice the effort they put into looking good. This line doesn’t have to be cheesy. You do not need to go there and tell her that she looks like an angel that fell from heaven.

Smile. Tell her she looks nice. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles and appears to be inviting a larger conversation ask her if she’s from the area or wants a drink.

If not walk away. You win some. You lose some. Remember other girls who you might hit on later will be watching your reaction to rejection and they will judge you on it. Just walk away and say, “well ladies, I hope you have a good night.”

Remember, in all honesty (from my empirical findings) the person you are pursuing is often as clueless and dumbfounded as you. Also, keep your end goal in mind: to make her laugh, maker her feel special, etc. If you can make her smile there’s a pretty good chance you can get her number.

I can’t be the only jaded person on the planet who upon beginning any new type of romantic relationship begins to imagine the way this one is going to reveal themselves as a (selfish, lying) jerk.

Yes can we please fantasize about how this one will screw me over? Aren’t day dreams and fantasies suppose to be about the boy next door and living out everything you want in life buy don’t have?

I take a positive spin towards everything else in my life, so why is it so hard to be positive with relationships? And. I. Am. Seriously. Trying. To be positive and give the guy the benefit of the doubt that he in fact is not a douchebag asshole but just a guy. A guy who is not perfect. Which is relieving because I am not perfect, either.

Breaking patterns is hard. However, I’m determined to not let the few guys who turned into a douchebag asshole ruin my outlook on potential chances to be happy and enjoy life. More importantly, I do not want to be that person who just always assumes the worst about someone just because they are not perfect. I do not ever want to be that person who looks for reasons not to date someone I like as soon as something develops.

I would rather be trusting and open and have my heart broken everyday than be negative and closed off to all the wonderful possibilities this world has to offer me.

So here’s to thinking positive.

This is geared towards all those grad school boys,  young professionals paying off loans, or anyone on a budget. I know our generation has a thing about dating in school being equated to group dates, mostly in party-like settings. Pretty much I think that’s lame. Although I enjoy hanging out with good people and a bottle of wine (or in same cases a 6 pack) I’m an old fashioned gal and if a guy wants to actually court me (i.e. seduce me) we are going to need to spend some time alone together (and I’m not talking in the bedroom). This is necessary for any relationship to progress and for me to know if I’m really attracted to someone. Of course, guys usually complain about not having any money to spend; this is a legitimate argument. So I’ve decided to compile a list of fun, cheap dates so there are no more excuses for men. Take your best girl out and maker her feel special. Some of these are specific to d.c. but will hopefully give you a base to plan a date around for your area.

Here’s to no more excuses…

1. barnes and nobles

I always thought this would be the cutest date ever! I’d love if a guy took me to barnes and nobles, than maybe baked & wired down the street for some dessert. Either on a snowy winter day or warmer spring weekend, this is a fun, cheap date. Reading history and interest can provide for great, stimulating conversation and maybe some fun debate.

2. pet store & then ice-cream

Of course many of these dates are going to involve dessert! I have the BIGGEST sweet tooth ever. Who doesn’t love kittens and/or puppies? You know pretty much have her transfer all those warm fuzzies to you. A nice spring or summer day trip to the pet store, then stroll around down-town or the mall for a nice walk finished off by some ben-n-jerry’s or coldstone. Sounds like a nice little Saturday to me.

3. the mall

This one is for all you d.c.’ers. I recommend this trip later in the afternoon or even at night. Checking out the Washington Monument and the WWII museum at night under the few stars that break through the pollution and ambient light is really very nice. A nice walk along the momuments offers you a chance to offer her your coat if it gets chilly. Of course, there’s the go-to finisher of dessert. Or what about happy hour? Hukka? Or some Sushi? Have a list of a few places you think might interest her that are in the area.

4. drive-in/ dc’ers: weekly summer movies on the mall

Bring some treats and throw down a blanket to snuggle with your best gal. “Screen on the Green” info can be found here. For the best viewing seats plan on arriving by 5pm.

5. kayaking/canoeing/paddle boating

This used to be a great past time when I was younger. For a first date I would prefer paddle boating, that way you are sitting side by side and it’s easier to have a nice conversation. In d.c. check out the Patomac for kayaking and canoeing; for paddle boating head over to Tidal Basin. And why not a picnic, too? Pick up your favorite to-go food or toss a six-pack/bottle of wine with sandwiches, fruit, cheese or something sweet.

6. spanish steps

I’m told this is one of the most romantic places in d.c. Located at S & 22nd St, NW in the Kalorama neighborhood, take your date to the Spanish Steps for a quiet romantic area.

Photo Courtesy of Kristopher Anderson

7. eastern market

Check out eastern market on the weekend and hand pick the food you’re going to cook for that evening. Have a great time working in the kitchen together. In summer make it a grill out. Why not throw in a movie with dinner at home?

8. the national zoo

Not only is admission free but the National Zoo has other events throughout the year like galas and foodie events. Check out their website here.

9. picnic at rock creek park

Whether your idea of a picnic involves a 6-pack of Samuel Adams or a bottle of $3-buck-chuck from Trader Joe’s nothing beats an afternoon picnic. Entrance if free but reservations for group picnics should be made with a fee of $7.

10. hike in great falls

If you’re more adventorous and enjoy the outside you should think about taking your date for a hike in Great Falls. Fifteen miles from the capital you’ll need a car. Pack for the season and make sure to bring lots of water.

11. sunset over tyson’s corner

Go to the top of Ft. Reno park in Tenleytown and catch the sunset over Tyson’s Corner. This makes a great pre/post dinner/happy hour cocktails combo.

12. tour a piece of d.c. history at reagan’s assasination attempt

Drive/Walk by the Washington Hilton on Connecticut Avenue and look at the carport where Reagan was shot. This is sure to be a look into American history that will spark great conversation. Finish if off by cocktails and happy hour hor dourves.

13. kite flying date

Purchase and fly a kite together on the mall. Then of course, give it to your lady friend as a souvenir. If you really want to impress her with your skills I suggest researching some kite flying moves hand.

14. botanical gardens

Make sure to take your allergy medication! The National Garden includes a First Ladies’ water garden, an extensive rose garden, a butterfly garden, and a display of a variety of regional trees, shrubs and perennials. On the National Mall, next to the Capitol Building, 245 First St., SW Washington, DC. (202) 225-8333.

Photo courtesy of United States Botanic Garden

For a full list on gardens in d.c. click here.

15. museums

Nearly all of the museums in d.c are free. You can search their events page for things to do after 5pm, celebrations, exhibits, culinary arts, discussions and lectures, book signing and performances. Check out their website for extended hours and special events.

16. free summer concerts

Check out cool new music for free! Grab your best gal and a blanket. Click here for more information about free concerts in d.c. this summer.

17. wine tasting

Wine tasting speaks a great early-on date. Often sampiling a variety of wines can be pricey. I have two suggestions:  ACKC, where they have chocolate and wine pairings. Although generally pricey, Monday-Friday at Vidalia’s allows you to try free samples from two or three different bottles chosen by the sommelier.

18. gallery opening

Take that special someone out on a Friday or Saturday night for a gallery opening. You get to check the art out for free and there are usually free snacks and drinks on hand.

1. a girl wants to feel special

Too obvious? Ask yourself what you are doing to make the woman you’re interested in feel special. No one is asking for daily or even weekly serenades. However, if you are trying to win a girl over this should be your focus. What text messages are you sending her to make her smile? Have you every genuinely asked her about her day? Once (and only once) I had a guy pay attention to what one of my preferred beverages was and he had it waiting for me when I came over to meet him before our first date. I was impressed.

If you’re a little more involved try a love note on her car. And if you really wanna be awesome ask her roommate to let in and see if she can give you guys the place to yourselves for the night. I’m sure any decent roommate will have no problem obliging this request. If you are lacking in the culinary skills order her favorite take out. Maybe light a few candles? And no television on in the background, try music instead. The goal should be to completely focus on her. No this is not an urban boyfriend myth that only happens in movies. I know people in real life with real life boyfriends who have done such things.

2. pay attention to her

Again, too obvious? Not to some growing boys out there.

You have to do this in order to make her feel special. Especially if you (casually) invited her to a group hang out thing you should not be paying more attention to other girls if you are trying to show you are interested. Playing it too cool makes a girl doubt you are actually into her and this miscommunication is never good for the beginning of a relationship.

Maybe it’s just me, but as a straight female (who has a man living inside of her), I get bored so easily in the beginning if a guy doesn’t give me enough attention. I’m not talking about someone all up on me knowing all of my business and following me around and calling me everyday.

I am talking about a guy initiating some form of contact like a chat/text/email/phone call. I’ve had guys sit there and say how much they like me and are into me but they never take the time to initiate any form of contact and they basically just take seeing me when the can see me i.e. they make no definite plans to assure that they will be able to be graced by my presence during the week. I can’t take guys like this seriously. Actions speak louder than words. If you are into me than you would make sure you are going to see me. You wouldn’t just assume. And you wouldn’t take me showing interest for granted.

3. honesty.

Even if you don’t think she’s the one but you enjoy her company– be honest. Let her know what you like about her. A girl wants to know where she stands with a guy and this isn’t possible if you are not honest. It’s okay to admit that you are interested in a girl for more than sex. Be up front about your expectations and what it is you want from the other person. Communication is key to any great relationship.

You are never truly going to get what you want with the opposite sex if you are not honest.

4. when you ask for forgiveness…

As you know just because she says she forgives you doesn’t mean she does. Seriously, go out of your way to reassure her about your feelings. Give her what she needs to be confident in what you’re saying is the truth. And don’t expect that just because she offers you another chance that she’s over whatever it is happened. Be patient.

It’s probably best that you go out of your way and do sweet things for her for no apparent reason (though you will both know it’s to get back in her good graces). It doesn’t have to be a dozen red roses, instead, why don’t you surprise her with her favorite chocolate bar to take her to a park for lunch. What about a massage or doing her dishes?

5. show me what you’re made of

Fight for her. Let me try and articulate this into other words …  This means she wants you be patient and fight for what’s best about her. This of course goes both ways and sometimes when you’ve dated a few people who are just bad people it’s really hard to open up. Be patient. Fight for her. Fight for her to trust you completely. Let her know that you want to see the other side of her. Let her know that you want more from her and ask for it. Fight for it and let her know you think she’s worth it. If she’s having a tough day listen.

I have been thinking about doing a blog like this for a while. Then the other day , I came across this big blog (which will remain nameless), that is specifically written from a man’s perspective. This blog has several authors, some of them single, often offering dating advice. Mostly, what I read on their site I think is total bullshit. Especially when it came to reading their dating mistakes. Did they even talk to women to get their opinion on the subject? What makes you think you know what a woman wants? You. Are. A. Man. You are worse than cosmo which consistently and relentlessly tells a woman that the key to any good relationship is a bikini wax and this new level five kama sutra move.

So here is (the beginning of) my take on guy’s dating mistakes. Taken from empirical evidence. Feel free to add to the list, I know I will.

1. “I don’t dance.”

Scene: Bar. Music. People slightly buzzed. Girl approaches boy. Touches his arm. Playfully asks him to dance while (most likely) smiling and, at least attempting to give him “the look.” Boy, hesitates, begins thinking about touching her hip and getting close to her on the dance floor. Gets a little excited about the possibility of a close proximity of body bumping. Responds: “Uh… I don’t dance.”

Reality: Boy tells girl he doesn’t dance because he is afraid of how he will look. (Duh.)

Flash forward to same girl. Same guy. Same attraction and flirty innuendos. Girl sees you dancing with another girl.

Yes, maybe you are embarrassed by your moves on the dance floor. And maybe now you have had a sufficient number of drinks to be brave. Maybe she will understand that you need to be drunk to dance, but it’s still kinda offensive to turn down a girl to dance when you are interested in her. In fact, this just makes me think a guy is not interested in me whatsoever. Also, I can’t think of any girl who has ever stopped being interested in a guy because of his moves on the floor. In all honestly, it might be bad, but I’m sure it’s not that bad. And often times when you already like a guy, anything dorky he does, like dancing, is just endearing and not embarrassing.

Tip: Instead of turning the girl down, why don’t you be playful and admit you don’t know how to dance than say, “I’ll only dance with you if you teach me how.” If she’s interested in you, she will take you up on this challenge.

2. Waiting 15-20 minutes to respond to EVERY text. EVER.

Really? Swingers was literally over a decade ago. Get over the three-day-rule; 15-minute-texting rule. If you are like most guys of this up-and-coming generation, than you prefer to peruse relationships through text messages. (I disagree with this and wonder all the time, why can’t a guy just pick up the damn phone.) Fine. I will give you whatever level of comfortableness you need in order to get to know a girl better. (But I don’t have to love it.) However, if this is your chosen route, it is really hard to get into a good grove of texting conversation when you only respond every 15-20 minutes. Sure, maybe you legitimately have something going on. Well then, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to all the seemingly too-cool guys out there. Stop. If you can’t even give me consistently a few minutes of texting time, then you are not worth my time.

3. Who taught you that move? =dealbreaker

When I was in college I didn’t really pay attention to the lack of creativity or lack of a man’s balls to just make a move. But the next time a guy uses the move of a) asserting his manliness and showing me how big and strong he is; and b) needing an excuse to touch me and hope that it will lead to something, I am going to call dealbreaker. What move am I talking about, you ask? The good ol’ “let me show her some self-defense move.” Reaallly. Because I need you to show me, the damsel in distress, how to take care of myself. Did I ask for you karate-self-defense moves? No. Do I want you to show me how easy it is for you to hold me down or choke me? Hell no.

4. Phone calls.

When a guy says he will call and doesn’t. Too easy? Of course there is a point in every relationship where a boyfriend doesn’t always have to call back or call right when he says so. This is about relationships that are just beginning to form. No this isn’t about being that girl waiting by the phone, hoping a guy will call or about being a perfectionist and bitching about every little slip up. This is about being important enough for a guy to call you when he says he will call. Bottom line. In this particular day and age with texting and chatting being so much of the social interaction, which isn’t face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, a phone call seems to mean more than it once did. Which can lead to an even greater disappointment for a girl when they guy decides he won’t call. Key word: decide. Because that’s what it comes off as. What made him change his mind? What made him decide not to call? I hate to get all ‘He’s just not that into you’ but, if you were on his mind, wouldn’t he remember to call? So that’s how it’s viewed. That’s where disappointment stems from: the thought that it was a conscious decision not to call.

5. You know what I want in bed.

You don’t. Don’t assume. Ask. And pay attention to where I’m moving your hands. Or how my body shakes when you do something right. Body Language! Also, you don’t know anything about vibrators. It’s not just the vibration that makes it more intense. It’s the fact that I can play out my own fantasy, it’s about the fact that I’m with someone who knows exactly what I want–me. Listen to my body, and when in doubt ASK. There is something very attractive about a man who is open to learning what exactly it is that will bring me pleasure.

6. Confusing “I’m busy” with “I’m not interested.”

You either hit on a girl because you think she is interested or because you are interested in her. If it’s the former, listen to your instincts. Maybe she really is busy. People do things and have busy lives, it’s very plausible. Don’t act so butt-hurt because she can’t/refuses to change her life around you for some guy she doesn’t know. Be patient. Ask her to make you an offer; if she’s interested she will.

7. Don’t call me babe.

No this is not just a great line from an awesome blast from the past. Now I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never called a guy ‘babe’ or dropped him when he called me ‘babe.’ I’m saying that I’m not in my early 20s anymore and a guy I barely know calling me ‘babe’ doesn’t make me feel special, it makes me feel generic. Sure, if the relationship progresses and there are actual feelings involved, but don’t think that you calling me ‘babe’ is going to score points and get you acquainted with my goods any faster.

8. Thinking it’s too late to apologize.

Reminder, this list of dating mistakes – not in relationships. If you just begin to date a girl and fuck up APOLOGIZE. And don’t wait for her to bring up whatever fuckup it is you did. BE A MAN. GROW A PAIR. Take responsibility for your actions.

But here’s the dirty secret: girls want to believe in fairy tale endings, and girls usually know (thank you romantic comedies) that part of that fairy tale may be the man screwing up and realizing how he almost missed a good thing. Okay, think of some of the romantic comedies you’ve seen….these guys aren’t perfect, but they do man up and ask for forgiveness.

Sure she may no longer think you’re dating material, but maybe she’ll be willing to be friends. At the very least she probably won’t go around telling her friends what an ass you are. And really, do you want a girl(s) going around telling people what a horrible person you are? Seriously. It’s not gonna get you more girls.

If she’s still interested in you than you’ve got a chance to make up for your fuck up (and by make up I mean do something nice for her). If she’s no longer interested, at least you can feel better about yourself on the type of man your father raised.


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

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