my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

defying gravity

Posted on: May 15, 2010

I keep saying I am not going to make the same mistakes anymore. I am twenty-six years old for goodness sakes, and a month away from twenty-seven and ghastly approaching thirty.

Mistake after mistake after mistake. And then I realized I will probably look at everything until I meet ‘the one’ (or the first one) as a mistake.

Isn’t there an easier way?

It’s easy to look back at a situation and qualify where things went wrong (at least for me I have the compulsive need to qualify). I want to be free and make no well thought out decisions. I want to throw logic out the door and let feelings lead the way. I want to be impulsive. Instead, based on past experiences I make self-imposed rules/barriers in order to minimize relationship suckiness and exposure to douchebags.

History tells me that impulsiveness is not often rewarded (or its reward are perceived as so much more fleeting). So I:

1. Decide what I want.

2. Look at the pros and cons, way the expected outcomes (his wants vs. my wants) and see if it is worth the risk.

3a. Go after what I want or

3b. Decided it’s not worth the risk or time. Or change my mind. Bottom line: move on. Start from scratch. (I’ll pretty much be over it five minutes later.)

And here’s the kicker. As someone who was raised by one pessimist (and as someone who has dated less than stellar dudes), I always picture (near) worse possible outcomes. I’d like to say I do this to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. Only, if I’m being really honest with myself when it comes to personal relationships, I’m not so good at hoping for the best. As endings go, it’s really just so much easier to paint every guy asshole. This doesn’t make me bitter or crazy. Really, it’s just based on past experiences. What can I learn from making the same mistake over and over except not to make that mistake? Of course, this is assuming certain decisions/actions are to blame for causing the mistake. Therefore cut those decisions/actions and wah-lah no mistakes, right? And yes, not every relationship has been horrible and I’ve dated more than one worthy guy….. but when it comes to envisioning a relationship, it’s sometimes easier to see the toad than the prince. Which is not completely my fault. Overall, guys are not romantic. They are not waiting in the wings to sweep me off my feet. They are not delivering roses or standing outside my window blasting 80s music. Pretty much, Disney lied.

So the question now becomes, not how do I not make the same mistakes by dating the same less than deserving guy, but how do I let myself believe that he might not completely turn into a motherfucker? Or, at the very least, how do I let myself believe, that whatever happens, it was worth it?

It’s not a question about a happily ever after ending. It’s a question of anything less than a horrible ending.

Where’s the balance? Taking it slow. First, do people really do that? Second, I want to follow my feelings! (I want to have feelings.) I don’t want rules dictating how to feel at a certain point of any relationship.

I really feel that it’s more about trusting myself. I’ve never thought that love existed in absolute terms. I always believed that love, as energy, cannot be destroyed. I’ve always valued the journey over the destination. And I always believed it’s better to have loved and lost than to ever have loved at all. Annnnnd really, relationships kinda make me uncomfortable (buuut that might be based more on the fact that I get myself into relationships I don’t want to be in).

Since I was a young adult, I’ve have tried to avoid looking in my life and seeing absences of love, but instead remembering all the love that’s come and gone throughout my life and be happy.

I need to remind myself of this. And recalculate cost & benefits, placing a heavier emphasis on the value of the potential outcome.

Maybe that’s where my new journey begins. I’ve loved and lost before. And I’ve always believed that that love, as short or long as it lasted, should be able to carry me through life. It’s shouldn’t be about the fact that the relationship ended, or how it ended, but the excitement and feelings that entrapped your senses and allowed you to be vulnerable, melt with and explode beside this person.

For me, it’s not about finding a soul mate or even a life partner. It’s about maximizing beautifully-filled, love-inspired experiences. It’s about feeling. Letting yourself drop into the blissfulness of infatuation with life. To experience the joy of living best by letting the universe envelope you in love’s ecstasy. To be love’s naïve teenager. Let’s be less thought full. Let’s be more artistic.

“The more I think about it, the more I realize there is nothing more artistic than to love others.” -Vincent van Gogh

**I feel like it’s necessary to place a disclaimer about my use of the word love. It’s not used enough in life. I have many loves. And I believe in a sense, throwing the word around, telling people you care about and are grateful for in your life that you love them. Maybe the fact that I’ve been referred to as hippie when it comes to love explains it best. (But let’s be adults people, I’m not talking about orgies or unprotected drugged up sex.)



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