my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Archive for July 2010

This is the best loving/dating advice I’ve ever heard about women spoken from one man to another.

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

-Bob Marley

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a poem

Posted on: July 7, 2010

There’s A race of men that don’t fit in,
A race that can’t stay still;
So they break the hearts of kith and kin,
And they roam the world at will.

They range the field and they rove the flood,
And they climb the mountain’s crest;
Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood,
And they don’t know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far,
They are strong and brave and true;
But they’re always tired of the things that are,
And they want the strange and new.
They say: “Could I find my proper groove,
What a deep mark I would make!”
So they chop and change, and each fresh move
Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs
With a brilliant, fitful pace,
It’s the steady, quiet, plodding ones
Who win in the lifelong race.
And each forgets that his youth has fled,
Forgets that his prime is past,
Till he stands one day, with a hope that’s dead,
In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance;
He has just done things by half.
Life’s been a jolly good joke on him,
And now is the time to laugh.
Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost;
He was never meant to win;
He’s a rolling stone, and it’s bred in the bone;
He’s a man who won’t fit in.

-Robert Service

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

//

You gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.

Deciding the difference between obstacles and warning signs used to drive me crazy.

Giving up sometimes made me feel like I was giving up on the person and then my Catholic guilt would kick in. Not to mention my instincts as a problem solver. I never had a chance.

For these reasons I always preferred to be broken up with instead of doing the breaking up. I would stay in a relationship, unhappy and sometimes even miserable.

I learned a very, very hard way that giving up on someone, giving up on you two romantically is not the same as giving up on a person; attempting to forgive a boy as a friend is different than attempting to forgive him as a boyfriend.

I’ve always held the philosophy that if you want someone then you should do everything to get that person. Debby downer sitting on the couch complaining only goes so far, there’s a point where you need to take control of your life and either go after what you want or move on.

If you’ve fought the good fight and given it everything you have then at least you have your closure that there was nothing else you could have done.

Yes, this is easier said for most people.

Because even when you do try…..Maybe you will grow to resent them for not seeing how much you tried to love them. For them not seeing how hard you tried to open up and win them over. For them not appreciating the little things. For them not seeing how amazing you are.

When you decide that they don’t appreciate you for what you are worth and you know you should stop thinking about them but now you’ve gotten into the habit and you miss missing them. When you know deep down that you cannot live off the little that they give back.

What moving on generally amounts to is the good fight between your brain and your heart. Logically we can agree that a person is bad for us that this person doesn’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated.

Sometimes it’s easy to give in because you just want the pain to stop and taking them back and being with them seems the easiest way.

It’s not.

Losing interest in a person is based on emotions while giving up on someone is more of a logical choice and maybe that’s why it’s so hard because the feelings are still there yet maybe you wished they weren’t.

Feelings versus a conscious decision and your brain telling your heart to move on does not always seem like enough when there is not a cure for heartache.

Do we each have a pain tolerance level that determines our willingness to fight?

Romantic movies would tell us never to give up to always keep fighting. But romantic movies cram what can be years of trust and relationship building into 90 minutes of entertainment. If the guy didn’t get the girl people wouldn’t go see the movies, or at least that’s what Disney believes and that’s why they changed the ending to Pretty Woman.

Of course the only person who can give up the good fight is yourself. Often I feel like when it comes to relationships people are looking at the sunk costs of their emotions and do not want to be embarrassed or something of the like of admitting that their great relationship is a failure.

Admitting that you were wrong admitting that your perceived investment is a failure is not easy. Sometimes we know what we don’t want but we don’t know what we do want.

There is that little voice that gets drowned out by other people, by ourselves by the environment and often we just need to find that place where our head and heart come together and have the same voice. Because even though it hurts and you may have feelings for someone, your heart isn’t necessarily saying they are the one.

So in times of ailing, tragic, or even small screw-overs let’s take some to listen to ourselves and learn to embrace and not be afraid of what we really want.

Every so often, usually while listening to a Taylor Swift song I feel vulnerable, I feel like I could fall in love at any moment and settle down.

Sometime it lingers, but generally it passes.

Is this feeling just being in love with love?

As I verge towards my late twenties I am pondering (once again inspired from 30 Rock) the idea of settling.

By settling I don’t mean settling down, I mean settling. Finding some nice boy who will make do. A guy who is honest and will be a good father, but who major sparks seem to be missing. Maybe this is even a guy I would overlook in the beginning.

Some of my friends, friends who are in long-term relationships, are able to map their lives out more. Married by 27. Babies by 30. Something else by some other time.

But really, what are my expectations for a long-term relationship? Disney.lied. He.lied. As much as there is probably still a small part of me that wants to believe in Mr. Charming, Self-Sacrifiecing, Handsome, Smart and whatever else all the princes were in Disney movies, they don’t exist.

If we are being really honest with ourselves, then as proud women we need to give up on the white knight image…. This image is more than someone to come and rescue me. This image is believing that someone out there will come and make me whole. Make me all better.

I am just not so sure fairy tale love will appear if i hold out for it.

Some people have said that most people have an idea of what they want — I disagree. I think most people have a fantasy of what they want.

Everyone has a fantasy of what they want and think exists specifically for them and them alone.

How many times has the house won on your love bet?  Is it worth all the loses for at least one right one?

Yes. I believe it is. I believe the loses make us who we are and allow us to appreciate what is right in front of us.

(And by right, I don’t mean ‘the one’ for the rest of my life. I mean the one that I will love deeply and always reflect upon fondly, and gratefully that I was able to experience something so delicate, pure, special and something that is just a part of me, a part for me.)

“The right guy is a delusion. Once you understand that you can start living your life.” Samantha, Sex and the City

What is the appropriate age to settle?

I’m not talking about settling down, but settling. For something less.

Some people out there think that we all settle, to some degree; it’s just a matter of when and whom.

This topic might seem taboo as it goes against the idea that all marriages are based on true love. Key word: true. No one admits going into a marriage with the idea that divorce is their safety net.

Marriage is looked at as this inevitable event that happens once you fall in love.

Of course this depends on how you define love. Or marriage.

My senior of high school my English teacher refered to an article in the American Journal of psychology regarding infatuation. I’m not sure what classic we were reading at the time or what the subject matter that brought this forward, but it has stuck with me ever since. He reported that this study found that infatuation can last up to two years (on average).

If I knew what I know now I would want to know the p-value and level of significance and exactly what variables were used to define and measure infatuation. I would probably play around with their model in my mind and throw around ideas for a better model. What areas of the country were these couples living in? How old were they when they were studied? Were they all married? If so, had they previously lived together? All straight couples? Ethnicities? Religions?

The study went on the say that people can fall in and out of infatuation with the same person throughout their lives. I’m taking infatuation as the replacement for ‘in love.’ Did the authors not believe in love?

I find it interesting that someone would set out to study ‘in love’ and it’s boundaries. Define them. Label them.

I wonder how these researchers would view settling.

If we assume this study to be true then we know that there will be some, if not many, points in our relationship where we are not ‘in love’ with the person we love.

Do we take this as a given? Or do we strive for more?

I don’t have the answers. The researchers and lab rats I’m sure don’t have the answers, either.

So how do we define love?

Standing up in the name of love and declaring that you would never settle is obviously easier said than done.

As a woman in my late twenties I was raised to believe that I could have everything. My father taught me to be independent and that I didn’t need a man. My mother taught me that you cannot control who you love. Disney taught me that prince charming will come if I act like a damsel.

Only one of these people lied to me.

Being raised as part of a generation that was taught and encouraged to have it all has disappointments. Sure, all generations do. My generation is learning that having everything isn’t having everything if you are making a lot of sacrifices.

Fairy tales and happy ever after only exist in moves. The question is: are you going to be the reacher or the settler in the relationship?

I’m sure there are exceptions to the reacher/settler theory. I’m sure most people think they are the exception.

At what age do we decide what we actually want from a man and a relationship? The minute it is standing in front of us? When we are five? When we are in high school? Or a young professional? I’m sure if many of the men and women looked at these defining times in their lives the image of who they would have imagined at that age is different than what they have. Did any part of you settle? Did any part of you grow and change in their definition of a husband/wife?

Is settling just a grander form of compromise?

There are two camps of single people: people who have held out for so long that they don’t want to settle and will continue to be single until their dream partner is reached and the single man/woman who wants a family, children, the whole picture.

Maybe holding out is easy. Maybe holding out is delusional. Knowing exactly what you want, having this ideal image in your head can handicap you in love. Being too specific, can anyone live up to your conjured image of love? Everyone has a fantasy of love and what they think exists specifically for them.

I hate to be the one to break the delusional disney myths, but there is no other half; there is no soul mate. Believing so only puts unrealistic expectations on relationships and love. Relationships are tough enough as they are, can’t we just accept that it’s not going to be perfect, that he/she is not going to be perfect?

Can’t we find the beauty in imperfections?

The concept of soul mates comes from Greek Mythology. Humans used to have four arms, four legs, etc. Zeus feared that they may be too powerful and split them up. We’ve been lost ever since.

Gottlieb finds that women want it all—and often aren’t willing to compromise on their list of traits their ideal mate must have: “It’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality. ”

Who is settling?

In Taylor Swift’s Love Story she sings, “marry me Juliet you’ll never have to be alone…”

Alone? Is that all marriage is about? Not being alone?!

Is the selling point to men and women regarding settling is that they will never have to be alone?

Why do over analyze we he/she didn’t call but ignore the most important relationship we have in our lives with ourselves.

It’s easy to believe the lie that being in a relationship is equated with not being alone. Physically sure. Emotionally being in a relationship can be the loneliest place. Do we really still believe that being married = happiness?

As we age it seems the fear of being alone guides our decisions in life.

Does waiting for ‘in love’ pay off?

Settling seems the easy choice.  Who cares if you’re not completely in love? Maybe she’s/he’s great and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Maybe he’s a great father. Maybe she/he loves you for you.

Minus the lovey dovey, if you get everything you want, is it settling?

Apparently, this is where many ladies within recent generations stand. Thirty comes, thirty-five passes them and all of a sudden they are turning forty and realize that maybe they should have settled for less because mr. man just does not exist.

Sure there are always exceptions to the rules. These are generally referred to as urban romance myths. You know, the stories of friends of friends who in a modern role resemble some princess fairy tale happily ever after scenario. A typical example: after years of having faith, good girls changes bad boy; they marry and live ever after.

If there are doubts that fairy tale love will not appear,  is it worth gambling ten or so years away to find mr. man?

Isn’t all this time invested just another sunk cost? These women Gottlieb refer to were less open to settling as time went on.

Other people don’t believe on settling for anything. One friend said, “I can’t settle. It’s worse than failing. Because when you fail, at least you tried.”

But what’s wrong with wanting someone to share the holidays with? Someone to build a home with and care for you when you are sick? Someone who knows you in and out and is a good partner?

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Dating is hard. It’s easier to be alone and not put yourself out there and hold off for an illusion. Life isn’t about having everything, it’s about appreciating what you do have.

I guess in the meantime it’s not so bad getting out there, even if you fail.

I can’t answer all of your questions about fire cupping, so click here to read more about it.

Below are some pictures.

1. It didn’t hurt. Not really anyways.

1a. I have a high tolerance of pain.

2. It felt relaxing, like a massage, when they released the tension and took off the cups.

3. The marks stay for 7-10 days. In my case it was more than ten days. I think I still even have light marks still left in some areas.

4. I would do it again. It only took about ten minutes.

5. Enjoy!

p.s. I have video, but can’t upload it. You can however, find videos of it on google here.

People keep asking me what’s the most interesting thing I ate in China, well here it is! Before and after pictures of snake.

It was kind of reminiscent of Red Lobster: dinner swimming in water all squirmy and you get to pick out which one you like.

It was pretty good. Didn’t like the part with the bones as much and the snake was actually pretty fatty. What’s that about? I would’ve thought it’d be lean meat. The snake also had a lot of sauce and I thought it would be more like grilled chicken. Not sure how the southwest eats it, but next time I’m there I’ll have to find out!


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

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