my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Archive for the ‘dealbreakers’ Category

Paying the check on the first date-- dealbreaker?

I like to joke that I have a gay man inside of me, but this doesn’t mean I understand a thing about men. Maybe I cannot relate to straight men because they are easily confused by shiny things.

This new category is dedicated to all the advice I receive from my straight guy friends (taken or not).

#1 If the guy does not pay for dinner DO NOT accept a second date.

I was most surprised to hear this advice from some of my more err bro guy friends. This is a piece of advice that is consistent from all my straighties. Apparently if a guy doesn’t pay for dinner on the first date (no one is saying he has to always foot the bill) he’s just not that into you.

What do you think? Do you agree?

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I hope that the man of my dreams serenades me with this…

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.

My sex life is rarely as active as people believe. I have standards! Also, no biggie, I’m a sex camel. But more importantly, I don’t see the point in wasting my time having sex when the sex isn’t worth it. If I think about all the things I could have done with my time, even filing my nails, than the sex was not worth it.

And guess what. Most. Sex. Is. Not. Worth. It.

Surprise of the century. I’m still the only person to give myself a multiple orgasm. But sometimes you just want to feel someone on top of you. Yes, for all you Sex and the City fans, once upon a time Carrie wrote about this, too. It’s true. We all need human contact. Warmth. Someone to hold us. Someone to have us feel needed, wanted.

My question is: when do you lower your standards compromise what you want?

Of course we must consider the cost and benefits of lowering compromising your standards.

Costs: time, birth control, adding another one to your list, grooming time

Potential Costs/Risks: sex might not be good, even if you use condoms (and I always do) you can still get something!, him telling lies, him being an ass, if you don’t you may forget how to have sex

Benefits: getting what you want? someone besides myself seeing me naked.

Other considerations: You might regret it.

If I were really serious about this cost-benefit analysis I would only have sex with myself. In reality I’m only going to enjoy sex with someone if there is a connection. Connections take time. Only once in my life have I had a love-at-first-moment-connection. The rest is being comfortable enough with someone for them to see your vinegar strokes and that takes time. But no one wants to take time anymore. This nation of fast-delivery everyone wants everything now.  I learned a long time ago the only way I’m ever only going to get want I want now is to do it myself (no pun intended).

When do you think it’s okay to lower your standards compromise what you want?

FACT. Guys give just as many mixed signals as girls. Don’t argue.

These games, this battle between the sexes… We would all be better off if the only games we play are sex games.

With all the online dating and hook-up culture running rampant around town, if you wanna meet someone who shares your wants/needs it’s not that difficult (okay, easier said than done, true).

It just doesn’t make sense to play games at this age—really at any age. I never understood. As a classic Gemini I get bored easily in relationships, I need to be challenged emotionally, physically and intellectually. So if a guy gives me periodic attention in the beginning, guess what, I’m going to lose interest. Fast.

I don’t have time to sit around and wait for you to call when you said you would. I don’t have twenty minutes to spare between every text message we send back and forth and I don’t have time for a guy who doesn’t have enough confidence to go after what he wants.

Part of the whole role of seduction is to feel wanted. How am I suppose to feel wanted when you’re playing games? I’m not saying that I haven’t ever over thought how to respond to this or that but there’s a difference between not knowing how to act and purposefully playing coy hoping that it will make the person more interested. Or going out of your way to make your pursuit jealous. That. Is. The. Worst. And. Stupidist. Move.

Do you really want a female who only wants you because she wants you to want her? There’s no feeling in that. Maybe you view completely ignoring someone to arouse her interest as an accomplishment. And if all you wanted was passionate-chair-breaking-sex,  where’s the passion in only wanting someone so they will want you? You are not going to get any mind blowing sex from that. You were better off wooing her from the beginning (and of course being honest with your intentions).

As a female I want to be chased and evolution has set it up this way. Why mess with a million years of romantic pursuits? This method is tried and true.

Do you really think I’m the type of girl to swoon over any male attention?

Do yourself a favor: live with your decisions. And if you really feel it’s a missed connection you better prove yourself.

After all, life is all about second chances.

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

//

You gotta know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em.

Deciding the difference between obstacles and warning signs used to drive me crazy.

Giving up sometimes made me feel like I was giving up on the person and then my Catholic guilt would kick in. Not to mention my instincts as a problem solver. I never had a chance.

For these reasons I always preferred to be broken up with instead of doing the breaking up. I would stay in a relationship, unhappy and sometimes even miserable.

I learned a very, very hard way that giving up on someone, giving up on you two romantically is not the same as giving up on a person; attempting to forgive a boy as a friend is different than attempting to forgive him as a boyfriend.

I’ve always held the philosophy that if you want someone then you should do everything to get that person. Debby downer sitting on the couch complaining only goes so far, there’s a point where you need to take control of your life and either go after what you want or move on.

If you’ve fought the good fight and given it everything you have then at least you have your closure that there was nothing else you could have done.

Yes, this is easier said for most people.

Because even when you do try…..Maybe you will grow to resent them for not seeing how much you tried to love them. For them not seeing how hard you tried to open up and win them over. For them not appreciating the little things. For them not seeing how amazing you are.

When you decide that they don’t appreciate you for what you are worth and you know you should stop thinking about them but now you’ve gotten into the habit and you miss missing them. When you know deep down that you cannot live off the little that they give back.

What moving on generally amounts to is the good fight between your brain and your heart. Logically we can agree that a person is bad for us that this person doesn’t treat us the way we deserve to be treated.

Sometimes it’s easy to give in because you just want the pain to stop and taking them back and being with them seems the easiest way.

It’s not.

Losing interest in a person is based on emotions while giving up on someone is more of a logical choice and maybe that’s why it’s so hard because the feelings are still there yet maybe you wished they weren’t.

Feelings versus a conscious decision and your brain telling your heart to move on does not always seem like enough when there is not a cure for heartache.

Do we each have a pain tolerance level that determines our willingness to fight?

Romantic movies would tell us never to give up to always keep fighting. But romantic movies cram what can be years of trust and relationship building into 90 minutes of entertainment. If the guy didn’t get the girl people wouldn’t go see the movies, or at least that’s what Disney believes and that’s why they changed the ending to Pretty Woman.

Of course the only person who can give up the good fight is yourself. Often I feel like when it comes to relationships people are looking at the sunk costs of their emotions and do not want to be embarrassed or something of the like of admitting that their great relationship is a failure.

Admitting that you were wrong admitting that your perceived investment is a failure is not easy. Sometimes we know what we don’t want but we don’t know what we do want.

There is that little voice that gets drowned out by other people, by ourselves by the environment and often we just need to find that place where our head and heart come together and have the same voice. Because even though it hurts and you may have feelings for someone, your heart isn’t necessarily saying they are the one.

So in times of ailing, tragic, or even small screw-overs let’s take some to listen to ourselves and learn to embrace and not be afraid of what we really want.

If you ask me out over a text message I will say no. In fact, I might not even take the time to respond to your text message. Why? Clearly you do not think I am worth the effort and time it takes to pick up the phone, look at your contents and press call. So why should I give you the courtesy when I do not feel you have given me the courtesy of your time and effort? Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. But the fact that your cojones have not yet dropped is kind of a turn off.

If you are interested and want to get to know me better then show that with your initial actions.

Saying you are going to call me and then texting me instead, well it’s just not the same. I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be treated properly. I want to hear your voice. I want you to ask me out in person or over the phone. I want to know that you can hold a one-on-one conversation.

Text messages don’t count. Think about it. Socially it is not acceptable to end a relationship with a text message so why would you start a relationship with one?

Pick up the phone. It’s so simple and something that will put you ahead of all the other guys out there.


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

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