my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Archive for the ‘dime a dozen’ Category

Paying the check on the first date-- dealbreaker?

I like to joke that I have a gay man inside of me, but this doesn’t mean I understand a thing about men. Maybe I cannot relate to straight men because they are easily confused by shiny things.

This new category is dedicated to all the advice I receive from my straight guy friends (taken or not).

#1 If the guy does not pay for dinner DO NOT accept a second date.

I was most surprised to hear this advice from some of my more err bro guy friends. This is a piece of advice that is consistent from all my straighties. Apparently if a guy doesn’t pay for dinner on the first date (no one is saying he has to always foot the bill) he’s just not that into you.

What do you think? Do you agree?

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.

Today Hill Harper tweeted AFI: attraction, friendship, intimacy.

Yes, in that order.

There are enough men in my life where I shouldn’t be so shocked that there are actually men out there who want to be fuliflled emotionally by a partner. Yet everytime…. flabberghasted.

Okay, that is a hyperbole, however, I have to commend a man who stands up and says that this is what is important, who advocates a healthy dialouge between men and women, and encourages trust and honesty.

It’s always nice to know there are a few good men out there.

FACT. Guys give just as many mixed signals as girls. Don’t argue.

These games, this battle between the sexes… We would all be better off if the only games we play are sex games.

With all the online dating and hook-up culture running rampant around town, if you wanna meet someone who shares your wants/needs it’s not that difficult (okay, easier said than done, true).

It just doesn’t make sense to play games at this age—really at any age. I never understood. As a classic Gemini I get bored easily in relationships, I need to be challenged emotionally, physically and intellectually. So if a guy gives me periodic attention in the beginning, guess what, I’m going to lose interest. Fast.

I don’t have time to sit around and wait for you to call when you said you would. I don’t have twenty minutes to spare between every text message we send back and forth and I don’t have time for a guy who doesn’t have enough confidence to go after what he wants.

Part of the whole role of seduction is to feel wanted. How am I suppose to feel wanted when you’re playing games? I’m not saying that I haven’t ever over thought how to respond to this or that but there’s a difference between not knowing how to act and purposefully playing coy hoping that it will make the person more interested. Or going out of your way to make your pursuit jealous. That. Is. The. Worst. And. Stupidist. Move.

Do you really want a female who only wants you because she wants you to want her? There’s no feeling in that. Maybe you view completely ignoring someone to arouse her interest as an accomplishment. And if all you wanted was passionate-chair-breaking-sex,  where’s the passion in only wanting someone so they will want you? You are not going to get any mind blowing sex from that. You were better off wooing her from the beginning (and of course being honest with your intentions).

As a female I want to be chased and evolution has set it up this way. Why mess with a million years of romantic pursuits? This method is tried and true.

Do you really think I’m the type of girl to swoon over any male attention?

Do yourself a favor: live with your decisions. And if you really feel it’s a missed connection you better prove yourself.

After all, life is all about second chances.

When you keep secrets from some of the people who have seen you at your worst (and best) you know that it’s shameful sex.

This is sex with someone who you would never admit to your friends. It’s with someone who you don’t consider boyfriend material and well, might be a little ashamed or embarrassed to admit to.

This doesn’t mean that this person is necessarily unattractive. Or that your so called shameful trash isn’t another person’s treasure…. it just means you would lie about it if asked and deny, deny, DENY!

But shameful sex can be a slippery slope.  Having “negatives” turn you on… can that really be a healthy thing?

The hiding, the secrecy… the fact that no one knows can be a turn on. Sure. But how do you transition from shameful sex back to a functioning relationship with a person who you do consider boyfriend material?


To be continued…

“The right guy is a delusion. Once you understand that you can start living your life.” Samantha, Sex and the City

What is the appropriate age to settle?

I’m not talking about settling down, but settling. For something less.

Some people out there think that we all settle, to some degree; it’s just a matter of when and whom.

This topic might seem taboo as it goes against the idea that all marriages are based on true love. Key word: true. No one admits going into a marriage with the idea that divorce is their safety net.

Marriage is looked at as this inevitable event that happens once you fall in love.

Of course this depends on how you define love. Or marriage.

My senior of high school my English teacher refered to an article in the American Journal of psychology regarding infatuation. I’m not sure what classic we were reading at the time or what the subject matter that brought this forward, but it has stuck with me ever since. He reported that this study found that infatuation can last up to two years (on average).

If I knew what I know now I would want to know the p-value and level of significance and exactly what variables were used to define and measure infatuation. I would probably play around with their model in my mind and throw around ideas for a better model. What areas of the country were these couples living in? How old were they when they were studied? Were they all married? If so, had they previously lived together? All straight couples? Ethnicities? Religions?

The study went on the say that people can fall in and out of infatuation with the same person throughout their lives. I’m taking infatuation as the replacement for ‘in love.’ Did the authors not believe in love?

I find it interesting that someone would set out to study ‘in love’ and it’s boundaries. Define them. Label them.

I wonder how these researchers would view settling.

If we assume this study to be true then we know that there will be some, if not many, points in our relationship where we are not ‘in love’ with the person we love.

Do we take this as a given? Or do we strive for more?

I don’t have the answers. The researchers and lab rats I’m sure don’t have the answers, either.

So how do we define love?

Standing up in the name of love and declaring that you would never settle is obviously easier said than done.

As a woman in my late twenties I was raised to believe that I could have everything. My father taught me to be independent and that I didn’t need a man. My mother taught me that you cannot control who you love. Disney taught me that prince charming will come if I act like a damsel.

Only one of these people lied to me.

Being raised as part of a generation that was taught and encouraged to have it all has disappointments. Sure, all generations do. My generation is learning that having everything isn’t having everything if you are making a lot of sacrifices.

Fairy tales and happy ever after only exist in moves. The question is: are you going to be the reacher or the settler in the relationship?

I’m sure there are exceptions to the reacher/settler theory. I’m sure most people think they are the exception.

At what age do we decide what we actually want from a man and a relationship? The minute it is standing in front of us? When we are five? When we are in high school? Or a young professional? I’m sure if many of the men and women looked at these defining times in their lives the image of who they would have imagined at that age is different than what they have. Did any part of you settle? Did any part of you grow and change in their definition of a husband/wife?

Is settling just a grander form of compromise?

There are two camps of single people: people who have held out for so long that they don’t want to settle and will continue to be single until their dream partner is reached and the single man/woman who wants a family, children, the whole picture.

Maybe holding out is easy. Maybe holding out is delusional. Knowing exactly what you want, having this ideal image in your head can handicap you in love. Being too specific, can anyone live up to your conjured image of love? Everyone has a fantasy of love and what they think exists specifically for them.

I hate to be the one to break the delusional disney myths, but there is no other half; there is no soul mate. Believing so only puts unrealistic expectations on relationships and love. Relationships are tough enough as they are, can’t we just accept that it’s not going to be perfect, that he/she is not going to be perfect?

Can’t we find the beauty in imperfections?

The concept of soul mates comes from Greek Mythology. Humans used to have four arms, four legs, etc. Zeus feared that they may be too powerful and split them up. We’ve been lost ever since.

Gottlieb finds that women want it all—and often aren’t willing to compromise on their list of traits their ideal mate must have: “It’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality. ”

Who is settling?

In Taylor Swift’s Love Story she sings, “marry me Juliet you’ll never have to be alone…”

Alone? Is that all marriage is about? Not being alone?!

Is the selling point to men and women regarding settling is that they will never have to be alone?

Why do over analyze we he/she didn’t call but ignore the most important relationship we have in our lives with ourselves.

It’s easy to believe the lie that being in a relationship is equated with not being alone. Physically sure. Emotionally being in a relationship can be the loneliest place. Do we really still believe that being married = happiness?

As we age it seems the fear of being alone guides our decisions in life.

Does waiting for ‘in love’ pay off?

Settling seems the easy choice.  Who cares if you’re not completely in love? Maybe she’s/he’s great and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Maybe he’s a great father. Maybe she/he loves you for you.

Minus the lovey dovey, if you get everything you want, is it settling?

Apparently, this is where many ladies within recent generations stand. Thirty comes, thirty-five passes them and all of a sudden they are turning forty and realize that maybe they should have settled for less because mr. man just does not exist.

Sure there are always exceptions to the rules. These are generally referred to as urban romance myths. You know, the stories of friends of friends who in a modern role resemble some princess fairy tale happily ever after scenario. A typical example: after years of having faith, good girls changes bad boy; they marry and live ever after.

If there are doubts that fairy tale love will not appear,  is it worth gambling ten or so years away to find mr. man?

Isn’t all this time invested just another sunk cost? These women Gottlieb refer to were less open to settling as time went on.

Other people don’t believe on settling for anything. One friend said, “I can’t settle. It’s worse than failing. Because when you fail, at least you tried.”

But what’s wrong with wanting someone to share the holidays with? Someone to build a home with and care for you when you are sick? Someone who knows you in and out and is a good partner?

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Dating is hard. It’s easier to be alone and not put yourself out there and hold off for an illusion. Life isn’t about having everything, it’s about appreciating what you do have.

I guess in the meantime it’s not so bad getting out there, even if you fail.

If you ask me out over a text message I will say no. In fact, I might not even take the time to respond to your text message. Why? Clearly you do not think I am worth the effort and time it takes to pick up the phone, look at your contents and press call. So why should I give you the courtesy when I do not feel you have given me the courtesy of your time and effort? Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. But the fact that your cojones have not yet dropped is kind of a turn off.

If you are interested and want to get to know me better then show that with your initial actions.

Saying you are going to call me and then texting me instead, well it’s just not the same. I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be treated properly. I want to hear your voice. I want you to ask me out in person or over the phone. I want to know that you can hold a one-on-one conversation.

Text messages don’t count. Think about it. Socially it is not acceptable to end a relationship with a text message so why would you start a relationship with one?

Pick up the phone. It’s so simple and something that will put you ahead of all the other guys out there.


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April 2020
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