my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Archive for the ‘men mistakes’ Category

Paying the check on the first date-- dealbreaker?

I like to joke that I have a gay man inside of me, but this doesn’t mean I understand a thing about men. Maybe I cannot relate to straight men because they are easily confused by shiny things.

This new category is dedicated to all the advice I receive from my straight guy friends (taken or not).

#1 If the guy does not pay for dinner DO NOT accept a second date.

I was most surprised to hear this advice from some of my more err bro guy friends. This is a piece of advice that is consistent from all my straighties. Apparently if a guy doesn’t pay for dinner on the first date (no one is saying he has to always foot the bill) he’s just not that into you.

What do you think? Do you agree?

I will never buy store-brand tampons again.

How was I suppose to know that the 50% Clearance tag wasn’t talking about the damaged box but rather, the fact that it took nearly short of three hands to get those suckers in.

I felt like I was a teenager again, stumbling around down there not sure what was going up or down. NO, tampons are not created equal. Guys— make sure when your lady sends you to pick up tampons you get the ones she actually wants.

For me, happy tampons are Pearl by Tampax.

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.

Hill Harper says the best positive messages to males and females.

His tweet today: “Be a ‘G’:  ‘Many of us put a facade of being a man, but rarely express the courage (heart) [to] be gentlemen. ‘ ”

I couldn’t have said it better.

Amazeballs.

 

My sex life is rarely as active as people believe. I have standards! Also, no biggie, I’m a sex camel. But more importantly, I don’t see the point in wasting my time having sex when the sex isn’t worth it. If I think about all the things I could have done with my time, even filing my nails, than the sex was not worth it.

And guess what. Most. Sex. Is. Not. Worth. It.

Surprise of the century. I’m still the only person to give myself a multiple orgasm. But sometimes you just want to feel someone on top of you. Yes, for all you Sex and the City fans, once upon a time Carrie wrote about this, too. It’s true. We all need human contact. Warmth. Someone to hold us. Someone to have us feel needed, wanted.

My question is: when do you lower your standards compromise what you want?

Of course we must consider the cost and benefits of lowering compromising your standards.

Costs: time, birth control, adding another one to your list, grooming time

Potential Costs/Risks: sex might not be good, even if you use condoms (and I always do) you can still get something!, him telling lies, him being an ass, if you don’t you may forget how to have sex

Benefits: getting what you want? someone besides myself seeing me naked.

Other considerations: You might regret it.

If I were really serious about this cost-benefit analysis I would only have sex with myself. In reality I’m only going to enjoy sex with someone if there is a connection. Connections take time. Only once in my life have I had a love-at-first-moment-connection. The rest is being comfortable enough with someone for them to see your vinegar strokes and that takes time. But no one wants to take time anymore. This nation of fast-delivery everyone wants everything now.  I learned a long time ago the only way I’m ever only going to get want I want now is to do it myself (no pun intended).

When do you think it’s okay to lower your standards compromise what you want?

Today Hill Harper tweeted AFI: attraction, friendship, intimacy.

Yes, in that order.

There are enough men in my life where I shouldn’t be so shocked that there are actually men out there who want to be fuliflled emotionally by a partner. Yet everytime…. flabberghasted.

Okay, that is a hyperbole, however, I have to commend a man who stands up and says that this is what is important, who advocates a healthy dialouge between men and women, and encourages trust and honesty.

It’s always nice to know there are a few good men out there.

FACT. Guys give just as many mixed signals as girls. Don’t argue.

These games, this battle between the sexes… We would all be better off if the only games we play are sex games.

With all the online dating and hook-up culture running rampant around town, if you wanna meet someone who shares your wants/needs it’s not that difficult (okay, easier said than done, true).

It just doesn’t make sense to play games at this age—really at any age. I never understood. As a classic Gemini I get bored easily in relationships, I need to be challenged emotionally, physically and intellectually. So if a guy gives me periodic attention in the beginning, guess what, I’m going to lose interest. Fast.

I don’t have time to sit around and wait for you to call when you said you would. I don’t have twenty minutes to spare between every text message we send back and forth and I don’t have time for a guy who doesn’t have enough confidence to go after what he wants.

Part of the whole role of seduction is to feel wanted. How am I suppose to feel wanted when you’re playing games? I’m not saying that I haven’t ever over thought how to respond to this or that but there’s a difference between not knowing how to act and purposefully playing coy hoping that it will make the person more interested. Or going out of your way to make your pursuit jealous. That. Is. The. Worst. And. Stupidist. Move.

Do you really want a female who only wants you because she wants you to want her? There’s no feeling in that. Maybe you view completely ignoring someone to arouse her interest as an accomplishment. And if all you wanted was passionate-chair-breaking-sex,  where’s the passion in only wanting someone so they will want you? You are not going to get any mind blowing sex from that. You were better off wooing her from the beginning (and of course being honest with your intentions).

As a female I want to be chased and evolution has set it up this way. Why mess with a million years of romantic pursuits? This method is tried and true.

Do you really think I’m the type of girl to swoon over any male attention?

Do yourself a favor: live with your decisions. And if you really feel it’s a missed connection you better prove yourself.

After all, life is all about second chances.

This is the best loving/dating advice I’ve ever heard about women spoken from one man to another.

“You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She’s not perfect – you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break – her heart. So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.”

-Bob Marley

If you ask me out over a text message I will say no. In fact, I might not even take the time to respond to your text message. Why? Clearly you do not think I am worth the effort and time it takes to pick up the phone, look at your contents and press call. So why should I give you the courtesy when I do not feel you have given me the courtesy of your time and effort? Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. But the fact that your cojones have not yet dropped is kind of a turn off.

If you are interested and want to get to know me better then show that with your initial actions.

Saying you are going to call me and then texting me instead, well it’s just not the same. I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be treated properly. I want to hear your voice. I want you to ask me out in person or over the phone. I want to know that you can hold a one-on-one conversation.

Text messages don’t count. Think about it. Socially it is not acceptable to end a relationship with a text message so why would you start a relationship with one?

Pick up the phone. It’s so simple and something that will put you ahead of all the other guys out there.

No, my goal for this post is not to be like whatshisface. I’m not trying to get you laid. I’m trying to give good, maybe a little shy guys, an opening.  I’m trying to up the ante and get some more than decent guys on the market. Think about the end game. The goal of any opening/pick up line is keep her talking, and ultimately get her number. Well, I may not be able to help with the latter, but I think these are a few gems that will help with the former.

1. “You’ve lost that loving feeling.”

What girl doesn’t want to be serenaded? I mean it worked in the movie. I suppose for this to really work the girl would have to know what you’re referencing, because that’s actually the whole point of it. Maybe not? Anyways, I have actually always wanted to try this move on a guy.

I think the goal of any pick up line is to get the girl to smile, to laugh and to ultimately create an icebreaker. And really, how can you turn someone down who has the guts to do this?

In full pick-up line disclosure I have been serenaded at a club to this. Not exactly the same, but a good song nonetheless. It probably would have worked better if I wasn’t already planning to walk out the door before they started. Oh and I was dating some one. Opps.  I was impressed. Which brings me to another hint: don’t wait until the very last-minute. If the girl looks like she is going to leave, give her a reason to stay…

2. “(There’s no need to leave so soon) I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you.”

This is a line from Eric Clapton’s Lay Down Sally. Of course I don’t think it’s necessary for the person in question to know where this line is coming from. I mean seriously, if a guy had been eyeing me across the bar and came up to me later in the night and said, “I’ve been waiting all night long just to talk to you,”  I’d be moved. I’d smile. I’d feel flattered. Most importantly I would want to know what he is going to say next.

In full disclosure of pick-up line history I have had a (somehow) variation of this line used on me. We had already talked a little throughout the night, so when he saw me gather my things and start to leave he spoke up. “You’re leaving?  That’s my loss.” What can I say? It worked. Damn.

3. “Can I buy you a drink?”

This one is old-fashioned, sure, but it’s also tried and true. Sometimes guys complain that they can’t offer to buy a girl a drink because her drink is already too full. Sounds like a real problem. If you are already talking to her, then wait until it’s about 1/3 left. If you are want to use this line as an introduction to a conversation then watch her drink. I think if a girl’s drink is half full it’s fair game to offer to buy her another. Lol. I know that sounds weirdly stalkerish to wait to approach a girl when her drink is half full but I think this is a good rule of thumb mostly because this opening should lead to conversation. You don’t have to buy her a drink the second you offer. Wait a few minutes and make conversation with her in the meantime.

4. Eye contact and smile.

Again this one might seem obvious. I know every time a guy makes eye contact with me I usually freak out and get nervous. A nice smile and strong eye contact can sometimes catch you off guard. Give her a chance to process the fact that you are interested in her. I know I usually need a few minutes after strong eye contact is made. Give her a few minutes and position yourself so you can easily see if she’s looking your way. This is usually her returning your initial contact and inviting you for an opener.

5. “You’re Mexican? I love mexican food.”

(Lol. I had to put this one in.) I mean unless you plan on eating me…

6. “Hey, can I get a female perspective on something?”

Remember you are trying to create a situation that will lead into a conversation. One method recommended by readers is to set up this more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ situation by asking her opinion about something. Something along the lines of, “hey, can i get a female perspective on something?” of “Can you recommend something on the menu?” Make sure you have a developed (yet brief) background, something like, “my friend still has pictures of him and his ex, but his current girlfriend wants him to get rid of them, but he doesn’t want to because he’s still friends with his ex – what should he do?”

This is good because it allows the girl to lead the conversation where she feels comfortable. This allows her feel in control, which will probably help her feel confident in leading the conversation and give her a nice boost. Girls also love giving their opinion and being seen as an expert in lady affairs (as this blog attests too).

7. the seinfeld bet

Any Seinfeld fans out there? Remember the episode where some character asks Elaine (and some other chick) out by purposefully making a bet with the woman and losing. The loser, of course, has to pay for dinner. Tricky. Tricky. But it’s a good way to show how charming you can be in a date like setting. Why not? And if she knows you lost the bet on purpose maybe she’ll feel flattered and will go out with you anyway.

8. ask her to dance

Before you grind up on her, ask her to dance. I hate when some fool I don’t know puts his hand on my hip and assumes I want him thrusting at me. Ew. Gross. I don’t know you. I don’t want your sweatiness all up on me.  Yes ask her to dance but don’t get all up on her the first time around. She will appreciate the space. She won’t think you’re not interested because you’re not touching her body, on the contrary, she will be relieved that you are not like every other creeper.

9. “You look nice.” (or some variation)

It’s simple. It’s to the point. Girls want to be complimented. They want someone to notice the effort they put into looking good. This line doesn’t have to be cheesy. You do not need to go there and tell her that she looks like an angel that fell from heaven.

Smile. Tell her she looks nice. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles and appears to be inviting a larger conversation ask her if she’s from the area or wants a drink.

If not walk away. You win some. You lose some. Remember other girls who you might hit on later will be watching your reaction to rejection and they will judge you on it. Just walk away and say, “well ladies, I hope you have a good night.”

Remember, in all honesty (from my empirical findings) the person you are pursuing is often as clueless and dumbfounded as you. Also, keep your end goal in mind: to make her laugh, maker her feel special, etc. If you can make her smile there’s a pretty good chance you can get her number.


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

Join 2 other followers

calender

July 2020
M T W T F S S
 12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20212223242526
2728293031  
%d bloggers like this: