my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Posts Tagged ‘deal breakers

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.

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My sex life is rarely as active as people believe. I have standards! Also, no biggie, I’m a sex camel. But more importantly, I don’t see the point in wasting my time having sex when the sex isn’t worth it. If I think about all the things I could have done with my time, even filing my nails, than the sex was not worth it.

And guess what. Most. Sex. Is. Not. Worth. It.

Surprise of the century. I’m still the only person to give myself a multiple orgasm. But sometimes you just want to feel someone on top of you. Yes, for all you Sex and the City fans, once upon a time Carrie wrote about this, too. It’s true. We all need human contact. Warmth. Someone to hold us. Someone to have us feel needed, wanted.

My question is: when do you lower your standards compromise what you want?

Of course we must consider the cost and benefits of lowering compromising your standards.

Costs: time, birth control, adding another one to your list, grooming time

Potential Costs/Risks: sex might not be good, even if you use condoms (and I always do) you can still get something!, him telling lies, him being an ass, if you don’t you may forget how to have sex

Benefits: getting what you want? someone besides myself seeing me naked.

Other considerations: You might regret it.

If I were really serious about this cost-benefit analysis I would only have sex with myself. In reality I’m only going to enjoy sex with someone if there is a connection. Connections take time. Only once in my life have I had a love-at-first-moment-connection. The rest is being comfortable enough with someone for them to see your vinegar strokes and that takes time. But no one wants to take time anymore. This nation of fast-delivery everyone wants everything now.  I learned a long time ago the only way I’m ever only going to get want I want now is to do it myself (no pun intended).

When do you think it’s okay to lower your standards compromise what you want?

Somewhere along the line I’ve heard the theory that humans are trained to find patterns in things where patterns do not exist. Like in clouds; or in wood knots.

Or in men.

It’s hard not to see patterns in everything we do; seeking out patterns and placing things into categories and nice little boxes seems natural.

What happens when one pattern begins to resemble a past, ugly pattern? A pattern that no longer fits the curvatures of your body and one that you have forgiven, sure, but not forgotten how ugly it looks on you?

Now, a new person might come along and in a small or large way remind you, begrudgingly, of a different douchebag dime a dozen. It can be difficult not to snap back and close yourself off to someone who you feel make take the same shape–the same pattern as the one who wronged you before.

Are these patterns real? Do we only see what we want to see? Are we just looking for reasons to deny and sabotage our happiness?

It’s easy to play the pessimist.

Of course on some level every guy you date thereafter can remind you of some asshole you dated before. They’re men. We can stereotype their likes and dislikes and be right a majority of the time. Sure, the same can be said for women. There I said it. Yes, these are generalizations.

Are these patterns patterns? Or random chaos?

On the road to relationship happiness… What are the warning signs? And what are tests of any good relationship? How can you tell the difference?

You can’t.

This is the most difficult thing to admit to yourself: there are no easy answers: there are no patterns to define a guaranteed outcome.

Love is not certain. Heartbreak is not certain. Assholes are not certain.

It always seems easier to err on the side of caution. Something seems eerily familiar; you’ve been down this road before. The same anxious feeling when similar situations present themselves. The shock (and somehow expected betrayal) of someone you once thought you could care for. Slam the breaks. Reverse. Turn around.

Sometimes there are no patterns. Sometimes chaos is a pattern.

Sometimes you have to repeatedly remind yourself that this road is different; consciously be aware of the not so subtle and nuanced differences. This road is paved. This road is driver friendly. This road looks like it’s driving off into the sunset…

Sometimes you have to be more trusting and go outside your own comfort-zone-box to get what you want.  Sometimes you have to look at yourself first and then retrain your brain not to react to past patterns of dime a dozen men.

People may resemble past patterns, but all people are different and cannot easily be placed into one category or another. So a few remembrances of one guy about another doesn’t mean that they are all the same.

Create your own pattern to fulfill your wants.

Maybe this road isn’t the end. There may be many more ahead of you. Take time to enjoy the journey and appreciate every off road journey knowing that all the love you put into the universe will come back to you.

1. a girl wants to feel special

Too obvious? Ask yourself what you are doing to make the woman you’re interested in feel special. No one is asking for daily or even weekly serenades. However, if you are trying to win a girl over this should be your focus. What text messages are you sending her to make her smile? Have you every genuinely asked her about her day? Once (and only once) I had a guy pay attention to what one of my preferred beverages was and he had it waiting for me when I came over to meet him before our first date. I was impressed.

If you’re a little more involved try a love note on her car. And if you really wanna be awesome ask her roommate to let in and see if she can give you guys the place to yourselves for the night. I’m sure any decent roommate will have no problem obliging this request. If you are lacking in the culinary skills order her favorite take out. Maybe light a few candles? And no television on in the background, try music instead. The goal should be to completely focus on her. No this is not an urban boyfriend myth that only happens in movies. I know people in real life with real life boyfriends who have done such things.

2. pay attention to her

Again, too obvious? Not to some growing boys out there.

You have to do this in order to make her feel special. Especially if you (casually) invited her to a group hang out thing you should not be paying more attention to other girls if you are trying to show you are interested. Playing it too cool makes a girl doubt you are actually into her and this miscommunication is never good for the beginning of a relationship.

Maybe it’s just me, but as a straight female (who has a man living inside of her), I get bored so easily in the beginning if a guy doesn’t give me enough attention. I’m not talking about someone all up on me knowing all of my business and following me around and calling me everyday.

I am talking about a guy initiating some form of contact like a chat/text/email/phone call. I’ve had guys sit there and say how much they like me and are into me but they never take the time to initiate any form of contact and they basically just take seeing me when the can see me i.e. they make no definite plans to assure that they will be able to be graced by my presence during the week. I can’t take guys like this seriously. Actions speak louder than words. If you are into me than you would make sure you are going to see me. You wouldn’t just assume. And you wouldn’t take me showing interest for granted.

3. honesty.

Even if you don’t think she’s the one but you enjoy her company– be honest. Let her know what you like about her. A girl wants to know where she stands with a guy and this isn’t possible if you are not honest. It’s okay to admit that you are interested in a girl for more than sex. Be up front about your expectations and what it is you want from the other person. Communication is key to any great relationship.

You are never truly going to get what you want with the opposite sex if you are not honest.

4. when you ask for forgiveness…

As you know just because she says she forgives you doesn’t mean she does. Seriously, go out of your way to reassure her about your feelings. Give her what she needs to be confident in what you’re saying is the truth. And don’t expect that just because she offers you another chance that she’s over whatever it is happened. Be patient.

It’s probably best that you go out of your way and do sweet things for her for no apparent reason (though you will both know it’s to get back in her good graces). It doesn’t have to be a dozen red roses, instead, why don’t you surprise her with her favorite chocolate bar to take her to a park for lunch. What about a massage or doing her dishes?

5. show me what you’re made of

Fight for her. Let me try and articulate this into other words …  This means she wants you be patient and fight for what’s best about her. This of course goes both ways and sometimes when you’ve dated a few people who are just bad people it’s really hard to open up. Be patient. Fight for her. Fight for her to trust you completely. Let her know that you want to see the other side of her. Let her know that you want more from her and ask for it. Fight for it and let her know you think she’s worth it. If she’s having a tough day listen.

The Nice Guy J-Curve Economic Model

Theory: The ‘nicer’ you are, the more your demand from the opposite sex diminishes.

Theory: The good ones are always taken. Often confused with: If you are taken than you are a good one. This is a common fallacy in reasoning. Effect does not equal cause.

As a disclaimer I need to explicitly say that there are guys out there who think they are nice, good guys; they are delusional about being a good catch. No. You. Are. Not. A. Nice. Guy. You also suck as a boyfriend. That being said….

Are you a ‘nice guy’ who doesn’t have a job or bounces from job to job (okay I know times are tough, but you know what I’m talking about), who asks but is hesitant to give, who lives at home in his late twenties for NO good reason? Have you ever held a job for longer than a year? Do you play video games ALL the time? Do you expect more from your mate than you are willing to give? When is the last time you lied to/ditched your girlfriend so you could hang out with your friends? When is the last time you went out of your way to do something that would make her smile?

Guess what. If this is you, you are well, what my father kindly refers to as a loser. Sure you may be nice, but you are also unmotivated and pay more attention to your video game than you do the hot naked girl who loves you standing to your right. You prolly also have no romantic sense and would never do anything out of your way for a girl you really want. Sure you don’t cheat on her and you do the typical boyfriend stuff of meeting her family and friends, but that doesn’t make you a catch. And to me, that sure as hell does not make you a ‘nice guy.’

To me, a ‘nice guy’ is someone who is self sacrificing. Someone who opens doors for his girl. Someone who is the first to give up his seat on the bus. Someone who cleans your dishes and makes your bed when you leave for school/work in the morning. A guy who offers before you ask. Someone who is confident. A guy who knows what is important to you and of course, a guy who makes you feel special and respects you.

Maybe that’s pretty specific. That’s okay because this is my blog.

Correlate: Nice ~ Sweet.

Second. Women do not want pushovers. This idea of nice guys finishing last is really pushovers finishing last. And you know why they finish last? Because they are pushovers. No wo-man wants a pushover. That’s not a relationship. So before you whine and cry about being left behind, ask yourself, did you grow a pair?

Also, I know a fair amount of women who have gone after ‘nice guys.’ And I definitely know nice guys who girls flirt with and maybe even throw themselves at, you know why? Because he’s a catch and girls want that, and they can smell it and they will go after it.

Evolution will back me up because another quality of nice guys: they will be good fathers. A woman wants a man who will stick around and take care of the babies. No one wants the father of their children to be a deadbeat.

Having problems getting girls? Well, did you ever ask yourself if you’re going after nice girls? Maybe nice girls suffer from the same syndrome. There are always guys who go after, what I will say more liberal girls. And I’ve heard more than one conversation wondering why a guy would ever value these “liberal” things and choose make her his a girlfriend. It happens both ways. Don’t be the kettle calling the pot black.

I guess the bottom line is: what is your bottom line?

You have control over your happiness and love life.

If you are a nice guy who can’t seem to get a girl, I have one question for you: Have you done everything possible in your power to win this girl over? I’m guessing no. Case in point: I know a seemingly nice relationship type of guy who to win a girl that was considered way out of his league, he took this girl in a hot air balloon for first date. I know right?

To both nice girls and nice boys, if you haven’t done everything than you have two options:

1. Do everything to get the person you want.

2. Get over it. If you aren’t willing to do everything for love, than I kinda don’t wanna hear it.

So let’s look at the casual factors:

nice guy /= finish last

pushover = finish last

Of course, we must take into account the age (and thereby wisdom and experience of each sex) in the model.

Because I enjoy the company of men who have grown a pair, I don’t want a loser. I don’t want a pushover. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say most women would agree.

Do you consider yourself a nice guy? What qualifications do you measure this by? Please don’t be one of those people who expect things from a person in a relationship but are never willing to offer those same standards to the opposite sex. i.e., boy wants a girl with a hot bod, well, how hot is your bod? If you want something out of a relationship you need to be willing to offer that same quality, characteristic, etc.

My personal relationship philosophy right now: I refuse, absolutely refuse, to settle into a committed relationship with a guy unless he exceeds my expectations.

It is of my humble opinion that you adapt something similar. It helps keep things in perspective. I mean having fun is one thing, but boyfriend material soooo on a different level.

Here’s the j-curve. You will notice that the opposite sex wanting nice guys starts higher with a younger age, decreaes throughout adolescents/young adults, and finally rises again with an increase of age.

nice guy j-curve


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

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