my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Posts Tagged ‘dime a dozen

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.

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When you keep secrets from some of the people who have seen you at your worst (and best) you know that it’s shameful sex.

This is sex with someone who you would never admit to your friends. It’s with someone who you don’t consider boyfriend material and well, might be a little ashamed or embarrassed to admit to.

This doesn’t mean that this person is necessarily unattractive. Or that your so called shameful trash isn’t another person’s treasure…. it just means you would lie about it if asked and deny, deny, DENY!

But shameful sex can be a slippery slope.  Having “negatives” turn you on… can that really be a healthy thing?

The hiding, the secrecy… the fact that no one knows can be a turn on. Sure. But how do you transition from shameful sex back to a functioning relationship with a person who you do consider boyfriend material?

….

To be continued…

“The right guy is a delusion. Once you understand that you can start living your life.” Samantha, Sex and the City

What is the appropriate age to settle?

I’m not talking about settling down, but settling. For something less.

Some people out there think that we all settle, to some degree; it’s just a matter of when and whom.

This topic might seem taboo as it goes against the idea that all marriages are based on true love. Key word: true. No one admits going into a marriage with the idea that divorce is their safety net.

Marriage is looked at as this inevitable event that happens once you fall in love.

Of course this depends on how you define love. Or marriage.

My senior of high school my English teacher refered to an article in the American Journal of psychology regarding infatuation. I’m not sure what classic we were reading at the time or what the subject matter that brought this forward, but it has stuck with me ever since. He reported that this study found that infatuation can last up to two years (on average).

If I knew what I know now I would want to know the p-value and level of significance and exactly what variables were used to define and measure infatuation. I would probably play around with their model in my mind and throw around ideas for a better model. What areas of the country were these couples living in? How old were they when they were studied? Were they all married? If so, had they previously lived together? All straight couples? Ethnicities? Religions?

The study went on the say that people can fall in and out of infatuation with the same person throughout their lives. I’m taking infatuation as the replacement for ‘in love.’ Did the authors not believe in love?

I find it interesting that someone would set out to study ‘in love’ and it’s boundaries. Define them. Label them.

I wonder how these researchers would view settling.

If we assume this study to be true then we know that there will be some, if not many, points in our relationship where we are not ‘in love’ with the person we love.

Do we take this as a given? Or do we strive for more?

I don’t have the answers. The researchers and lab rats I’m sure don’t have the answers, either.

So how do we define love?

Standing up in the name of love and declaring that you would never settle is obviously easier said than done.

As a woman in my late twenties I was raised to believe that I could have everything. My father taught me to be independent and that I didn’t need a man. My mother taught me that you cannot control who you love. Disney taught me that prince charming will come if I act like a damsel.

Only one of these people lied to me.

Being raised as part of a generation that was taught and encouraged to have it all has disappointments. Sure, all generations do. My generation is learning that having everything isn’t having everything if you are making a lot of sacrifices.

Fairy tales and happy ever after only exist in moves. The question is: are you going to be the reacher or the settler in the relationship?

I’m sure there are exceptions to the reacher/settler theory. I’m sure most people think they are the exception.

At what age do we decide what we actually want from a man and a relationship? The minute it is standing in front of us? When we are five? When we are in high school? Or a young professional? I’m sure if many of the men and women looked at these defining times in their lives the image of who they would have imagined at that age is different than what they have. Did any part of you settle? Did any part of you grow and change in their definition of a husband/wife?

Is settling just a grander form of compromise?

There are two camps of single people: people who have held out for so long that they don’t want to settle and will continue to be single until their dream partner is reached and the single man/woman who wants a family, children, the whole picture.

Maybe holding out is easy. Maybe holding out is delusional. Knowing exactly what you want, having this ideal image in your head can handicap you in love. Being too specific, can anyone live up to your conjured image of love? Everyone has a fantasy of love and what they think exists specifically for them.

I hate to be the one to break the delusional disney myths, but there is no other half; there is no soul mate. Believing so only puts unrealistic expectations on relationships and love. Relationships are tough enough as they are, can’t we just accept that it’s not going to be perfect, that he/she is not going to be perfect?

Can’t we find the beauty in imperfections?

The concept of soul mates comes from Greek Mythology. Humans used to have four arms, four legs, etc. Zeus feared that they may be too powerful and split them up. We’ve been lost ever since.

Gottlieb finds that women want it all—and often aren’t willing to compromise on their list of traits their ideal mate must have: “It’s that many refuse to recognize that their vision of the perfect man doesn’t match reality. ”

Who is settling?

In Taylor Swift’s Love Story she sings, “marry me Juliet you’ll never have to be alone…”

Alone? Is that all marriage is about? Not being alone?!

Is the selling point to men and women regarding settling is that they will never have to be alone?

Why do over analyze we he/she didn’t call but ignore the most important relationship we have in our lives with ourselves.

It’s easy to believe the lie that being in a relationship is equated with not being alone. Physically sure. Emotionally being in a relationship can be the loneliest place. Do we really still believe that being married = happiness?

As we age it seems the fear of being alone guides our decisions in life.

Does waiting for ‘in love’ pay off?

Settling seems the easy choice.  Who cares if you’re not completely in love? Maybe she’s/he’s great and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. Maybe he’s a great father. Maybe she/he loves you for you.

Minus the lovey dovey, if you get everything you want, is it settling?

Apparently, this is where many ladies within recent generations stand. Thirty comes, thirty-five passes them and all of a sudden they are turning forty and realize that maybe they should have settled for less because mr. man just does not exist.

Sure there are always exceptions to the rules. These are generally referred to as urban romance myths. You know, the stories of friends of friends who in a modern role resemble some princess fairy tale happily ever after scenario. A typical example: after years of having faith, good girls changes bad boy; they marry and live ever after.

If there are doubts that fairy tale love will not appear,  is it worth gambling ten or so years away to find mr. man?

Isn’t all this time invested just another sunk cost? These women Gottlieb refer to were less open to settling as time went on.

Other people don’t believe on settling for anything. One friend said, “I can’t settle. It’s worse than failing. Because when you fail, at least you tried.”

But what’s wrong with wanting someone to share the holidays with? Someone to build a home with and care for you when you are sick? Someone who knows you in and out and is a good partner?

Let’s not lie to ourselves. Dating is hard. It’s easier to be alone and not put yourself out there and hold off for an illusion. Life isn’t about having everything, it’s about appreciating what you do have.

I guess in the meantime it’s not so bad getting out there, even if you fail.

If you ask me out over a text message I will say no. In fact, I might not even take the time to respond to your text message. Why? Clearly you do not think I am worth the effort and time it takes to pick up the phone, look at your contents and press call. So why should I give you the courtesy when I do not feel you have given me the courtesy of your time and effort? Does that make me a bitch? Maybe. But the fact that your cojones have not yet dropped is kind of a turn off.

If you are interested and want to get to know me better then show that with your initial actions.

Saying you are going to call me and then texting me instead, well it’s just not the same. I don’t care what anyone says. I want to be treated properly. I want to hear your voice. I want you to ask me out in person or over the phone. I want to know that you can hold a one-on-one conversation.

Text messages don’t count. Think about it. Socially it is not acceptable to end a relationship with a text message so why would you start a relationship with one?

Pick up the phone. It’s so simple and something that will put you ahead of all the other guys out there.

No, my goal for this post is not to be like whatshisface. I’m not trying to get you laid. I’m trying to give good, maybe a little shy guys, an opening.  I’m trying to up the ante and get some more than decent guys on the market. Think about the end game. The goal of any opening/pick up line is keep her talking, and ultimately get her number. Well, I may not be able to help with the latter, but I think these are a few gems that will help with the former.

1. “You’ve lost that loving feeling.”

What girl doesn’t want to be serenaded? I mean it worked in the movie. I suppose for this to really work the girl would have to know what you’re referencing, because that’s actually the whole point of it. Maybe not? Anyways, I have actually always wanted to try this move on a guy.

I think the goal of any pick up line is to get the girl to smile, to laugh and to ultimately create an icebreaker. And really, how can you turn someone down who has the guts to do this?

In full pick-up line disclosure I have been serenaded at a club to this. Not exactly the same, but a good song nonetheless. It probably would have worked better if I wasn’t already planning to walk out the door before they started. Oh and I was dating some one. Opps.  I was impressed. Which brings me to another hint: don’t wait until the very last-minute. If the girl looks like she is going to leave, give her a reason to stay…

2. “(There’s no need to leave so soon) I’ve been trying all night long just to talk to you.”

This is a line from Eric Clapton’s Lay Down Sally. Of course I don’t think it’s necessary for the person in question to know where this line is coming from. I mean seriously, if a guy had been eyeing me across the bar and came up to me later in the night and said, “I’ve been waiting all night long just to talk to you,”  I’d be moved. I’d smile. I’d feel flattered. Most importantly I would want to know what he is going to say next.

In full disclosure of pick-up line history I have had a (somehow) variation of this line used on me. We had already talked a little throughout the night, so when he saw me gather my things and start to leave he spoke up. “You’re leaving?  That’s my loss.” What can I say? It worked. Damn.

3. “Can I buy you a drink?”

This one is old-fashioned, sure, but it’s also tried and true. Sometimes guys complain that they can’t offer to buy a girl a drink because her drink is already too full. Sounds like a real problem. If you are already talking to her, then wait until it’s about 1/3 left. If you are want to use this line as an introduction to a conversation then watch her drink. I think if a girl’s drink is half full it’s fair game to offer to buy her another. Lol. I know that sounds weirdly stalkerish to wait to approach a girl when her drink is half full but I think this is a good rule of thumb mostly because this opening should lead to conversation. You don’t have to buy her a drink the second you offer. Wait a few minutes and make conversation with her in the meantime.

4. Eye contact and smile.

Again this one might seem obvious. I know every time a guy makes eye contact with me I usually freak out and get nervous. A nice smile and strong eye contact can sometimes catch you off guard. Give her a chance to process the fact that you are interested in her. I know I usually need a few minutes after strong eye contact is made. Give her a few minutes and position yourself so you can easily see if she’s looking your way. This is usually her returning your initial contact and inviting you for an opener.

5. “You’re Mexican? I love mexican food.”

(Lol. I had to put this one in.) I mean unless you plan on eating me…

6. “Hey, can I get a female perspective on something?”

Remember you are trying to create a situation that will lead into a conversation. One method recommended by readers is to set up this more than ‘yes’ or ‘no’ situation by asking her opinion about something. Something along the lines of, “hey, can i get a female perspective on something?” of “Can you recommend something on the menu?” Make sure you have a developed (yet brief) background, something like, “my friend still has pictures of him and his ex, but his current girlfriend wants him to get rid of them, but he doesn’t want to because he’s still friends with his ex – what should he do?”

This is good because it allows the girl to lead the conversation where she feels comfortable. This allows her feel in control, which will probably help her feel confident in leading the conversation and give her a nice boost. Girls also love giving their opinion and being seen as an expert in lady affairs (as this blog attests too).

7. the seinfeld bet

Any Seinfeld fans out there? Remember the episode where some character asks Elaine (and some other chick) out by purposefully making a bet with the woman and losing. The loser, of course, has to pay for dinner. Tricky. Tricky. But it’s a good way to show how charming you can be in a date like setting. Why not? And if she knows you lost the bet on purpose maybe she’ll feel flattered and will go out with you anyway.

8. ask her to dance

Before you grind up on her, ask her to dance. I hate when some fool I don’t know puts his hand on my hip and assumes I want him thrusting at me. Ew. Gross. I don’t know you. I don’t want your sweatiness all up on me.  Yes ask her to dance but don’t get all up on her the first time around. She will appreciate the space. She won’t think you’re not interested because you’re not touching her body, on the contrary, she will be relieved that you are not like every other creeper.

9. “You look nice.” (or some variation)

It’s simple. It’s to the point. Girls want to be complimented. They want someone to notice the effort they put into looking good. This line doesn’t have to be cheesy. You do not need to go there and tell her that she looks like an angel that fell from heaven.

Smile. Tell her she looks nice. Wait for her reaction. If she smiles and appears to be inviting a larger conversation ask her if she’s from the area or wants a drink.

If not walk away. You win some. You lose some. Remember other girls who you might hit on later will be watching your reaction to rejection and they will judge you on it. Just walk away and say, “well ladies, I hope you have a good night.”

Remember, in all honesty (from my empirical findings) the person you are pursuing is often as clueless and dumbfounded as you. Also, keep your end goal in mind: to make her laugh, maker her feel special, etc. If you can make her smile there’s a pretty good chance you can get her number.

1. a girl wants to feel special

Too obvious? Ask yourself what you are doing to make the woman you’re interested in feel special. No one is asking for daily or even weekly serenades. However, if you are trying to win a girl over this should be your focus. What text messages are you sending her to make her smile? Have you every genuinely asked her about her day? Once (and only once) I had a guy pay attention to what one of my preferred beverages was and he had it waiting for me when I came over to meet him before our first date. I was impressed.

If you’re a little more involved try a love note on her car. And if you really wanna be awesome ask her roommate to let in and see if she can give you guys the place to yourselves for the night. I’m sure any decent roommate will have no problem obliging this request. If you are lacking in the culinary skills order her favorite take out. Maybe light a few candles? And no television on in the background, try music instead. The goal should be to completely focus on her. No this is not an urban boyfriend myth that only happens in movies. I know people in real life with real life boyfriends who have done such things.

2. pay attention to her

Again, too obvious? Not to some growing boys out there.

You have to do this in order to make her feel special. Especially if you (casually) invited her to a group hang out thing you should not be paying more attention to other girls if you are trying to show you are interested. Playing it too cool makes a girl doubt you are actually into her and this miscommunication is never good for the beginning of a relationship.

Maybe it’s just me, but as a straight female (who has a man living inside of her), I get bored so easily in the beginning if a guy doesn’t give me enough attention. I’m not talking about someone all up on me knowing all of my business and following me around and calling me everyday.

I am talking about a guy initiating some form of contact like a chat/text/email/phone call. I’ve had guys sit there and say how much they like me and are into me but they never take the time to initiate any form of contact and they basically just take seeing me when the can see me i.e. they make no definite plans to assure that they will be able to be graced by my presence during the week. I can’t take guys like this seriously. Actions speak louder than words. If you are into me than you would make sure you are going to see me. You wouldn’t just assume. And you wouldn’t take me showing interest for granted.

3. honesty.

Even if you don’t think she’s the one but you enjoy her company– be honest. Let her know what you like about her. A girl wants to know where she stands with a guy and this isn’t possible if you are not honest. It’s okay to admit that you are interested in a girl for more than sex. Be up front about your expectations and what it is you want from the other person. Communication is key to any great relationship.

You are never truly going to get what you want with the opposite sex if you are not honest.

4. when you ask for forgiveness…

As you know just because she says she forgives you doesn’t mean she does. Seriously, go out of your way to reassure her about your feelings. Give her what she needs to be confident in what you’re saying is the truth. And don’t expect that just because she offers you another chance that she’s over whatever it is happened. Be patient.

It’s probably best that you go out of your way and do sweet things for her for no apparent reason (though you will both know it’s to get back in her good graces). It doesn’t have to be a dozen red roses, instead, why don’t you surprise her with her favorite chocolate bar to take her to a park for lunch. What about a massage or doing her dishes?

5. show me what you’re made of

Fight for her. Let me try and articulate this into other words …  This means she wants you be patient and fight for what’s best about her. This of course goes both ways and sometimes when you’ve dated a few people who are just bad people it’s really hard to open up. Be patient. Fight for her. Fight for her to trust you completely. Let her know that you want to see the other side of her. Let her know that you want more from her and ask for it. Fight for it and let her know you think she’s worth it. If she’s having a tough day listen.

I have been thinking about doing a blog like this for a while. Then the other day , I came across this big blog (which will remain nameless), that is specifically written from a man’s perspective. This blog has several authors, some of them single, often offering dating advice. Mostly, what I read on their site I think is total bullshit. Especially when it came to reading their dating mistakes. Did they even talk to women to get their opinion on the subject? What makes you think you know what a woman wants? You. Are. A. Man. You are worse than cosmo which consistently and relentlessly tells a woman that the key to any good relationship is a bikini wax and this new level five kama sutra move.

So here is (the beginning of) my take on guy’s dating mistakes. Taken from empirical evidence. Feel free to add to the list, I know I will.

1. “I don’t dance.”

Scene: Bar. Music. People slightly buzzed. Girl approaches boy. Touches his arm. Playfully asks him to dance while (most likely) smiling and, at least attempting to give him “the look.” Boy, hesitates, begins thinking about touching her hip and getting close to her on the dance floor. Gets a little excited about the possibility of a close proximity of body bumping. Responds: “Uh… I don’t dance.”

Reality: Boy tells girl he doesn’t dance because he is afraid of how he will look. (Duh.)

Flash forward to same girl. Same guy. Same attraction and flirty innuendos. Girl sees you dancing with another girl.

Yes, maybe you are embarrassed by your moves on the dance floor. And maybe now you have had a sufficient number of drinks to be brave. Maybe she will understand that you need to be drunk to dance, but it’s still kinda offensive to turn down a girl to dance when you are interested in her. In fact, this just makes me think a guy is not interested in me whatsoever. Also, I can’t think of any girl who has ever stopped being interested in a guy because of his moves on the floor. In all honestly, it might be bad, but I’m sure it’s not that bad. And often times when you already like a guy, anything dorky he does, like dancing, is just endearing and not embarrassing.

Tip: Instead of turning the girl down, why don’t you be playful and admit you don’t know how to dance than say, “I’ll only dance with you if you teach me how.” If she’s interested in you, she will take you up on this challenge.

2. Waiting 15-20 minutes to respond to EVERY text. EVER.

Really? Swingers was literally over a decade ago. Get over the three-day-rule; 15-minute-texting rule. If you are like most guys of this up-and-coming generation, than you prefer to peruse relationships through text messages. (I disagree with this and wonder all the time, why can’t a guy just pick up the damn phone.) Fine. I will give you whatever level of comfortableness you need in order to get to know a girl better. (But I don’t have to love it.) However, if this is your chosen route, it is really hard to get into a good grove of texting conversation when you only respond every 15-20 minutes. Sure, maybe you legitimately have something going on. Well then, I’m not talking to you. I’m talking to all the seemingly too-cool guys out there. Stop. If you can’t even give me consistently a few minutes of texting time, then you are not worth my time.

3. Who taught you that move? =dealbreaker

When I was in college I didn’t really pay attention to the lack of creativity or lack of a man’s balls to just make a move. But the next time a guy uses the move of a) asserting his manliness and showing me how big and strong he is; and b) needing an excuse to touch me and hope that it will lead to something, I am going to call dealbreaker. What move am I talking about, you ask? The good ol’ “let me show her some self-defense move.” Reaallly. Because I need you to show me, the damsel in distress, how to take care of myself. Did I ask for you karate-self-defense moves? No. Do I want you to show me how easy it is for you to hold me down or choke me? Hell no.

4. Phone calls.

When a guy says he will call and doesn’t. Too easy? Of course there is a point in every relationship where a boyfriend doesn’t always have to call back or call right when he says so. This is about relationships that are just beginning to form. No this isn’t about being that girl waiting by the phone, hoping a guy will call or about being a perfectionist and bitching about every little slip up. This is about being important enough for a guy to call you when he says he will call. Bottom line. In this particular day and age with texting and chatting being so much of the social interaction, which isn’t face-to-face or even voice-to-voice, a phone call seems to mean more than it once did. Which can lead to an even greater disappointment for a girl when they guy decides he won’t call. Key word: decide. Because that’s what it comes off as. What made him change his mind? What made him decide not to call? I hate to get all ‘He’s just not that into you’ but, if you were on his mind, wouldn’t he remember to call? So that’s how it’s viewed. That’s where disappointment stems from: the thought that it was a conscious decision not to call.

5. You know what I want in bed.

You don’t. Don’t assume. Ask. And pay attention to where I’m moving your hands. Or how my body shakes when you do something right. Body Language! Also, you don’t know anything about vibrators. It’s not just the vibration that makes it more intense. It’s the fact that I can play out my own fantasy, it’s about the fact that I’m with someone who knows exactly what I want–me. Listen to my body, and when in doubt ASK. There is something very attractive about a man who is open to learning what exactly it is that will bring me pleasure.

6. Confusing “I’m busy” with “I’m not interested.”

You either hit on a girl because you think she is interested or because you are interested in her. If it’s the former, listen to your instincts. Maybe she really is busy. People do things and have busy lives, it’s very plausible. Don’t act so butt-hurt because she can’t/refuses to change her life around you for some guy she doesn’t know. Be patient. Ask her to make you an offer; if she’s interested she will.

7. Don’t call me babe.

No this is not just a great line from an awesome blast from the past. Now I’m not going to lie and say I’ve never called a guy ‘babe’ or dropped him when he called me ‘babe.’ I’m saying that I’m not in my early 20s anymore and a guy I barely know calling me ‘babe’ doesn’t make me feel special, it makes me feel generic. Sure, if the relationship progresses and there are actual feelings involved, but don’t think that you calling me ‘babe’ is going to score points and get you acquainted with my goods any faster.

8. Thinking it’s too late to apologize.

Reminder, this list of dating mistakes – not in relationships. If you just begin to date a girl and fuck up APOLOGIZE. And don’t wait for her to bring up whatever fuckup it is you did. BE A MAN. GROW A PAIR. Take responsibility for your actions.

But here’s the dirty secret: girls want to believe in fairy tale endings, and girls usually know (thank you romantic comedies) that part of that fairy tale may be the man screwing up and realizing how he almost missed a good thing. Okay, think of some of the romantic comedies you’ve seen….these guys aren’t perfect, but they do man up and ask for forgiveness.

Sure she may no longer think you’re dating material, but maybe she’ll be willing to be friends. At the very least she probably won’t go around telling her friends what an ass you are. And really, do you want a girl(s) going around telling people what a horrible person you are? Seriously. It’s not gonna get you more girls.

If she’s still interested in you than you’ve got a chance to make up for your fuck up (and by make up I mean do something nice for her). If she’s no longer interested, at least you can feel better about yourself on the type of man your father raised.


"IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ME AT MY WORST, THAN YOU DON'T DESERVE ME AT MY BEST" -marilyn monroe

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