my journey through the pursuit of love & happiness

Posts Tagged ‘what i’ve learned from men

Can you find love in a coffee shop?

Ad Kahlua, stir. Find love.

I know some people enjoy coffee dates because they feel there is less pressure, but um, really, I am not 45.

I recently had a guy ask me out for coffee after I specifically said I don’t really drink coffee. Admittingly, I may have to adjust this self-proclaimed ‘I don’t drink coffee’ after I’ve discovered numerous flavored lattes at Starbucks. BUT I said I don’t really drink coffee. The last time I said that to a guy, the-jerk-he-turned-out-to-be-lying-and saying-he-slept-with-me-when-he-never-got-more-than-a-kiss, at least then suggested we get smoothies.

What does a girl think of when she thinks of a date? I will tell you right now she is NOT picturing a coffee shop. My time is valuable. I want to go out to new restaurants and try new things and if I am scheduling someone I am not even sure I’m into for a date into my hectic schedule, you can bet your allowance it is not going to be for coffee. Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I believe alcoholic beverages are an important part of a date.

Coffee just has so much more of an interview feeling for me. Also, it’s hard to get dressed up cute for a coffee shop, almost in a sad way, like why are you dressing up for the library? Coffee shops mostly remind me of doing work and studying, not a place where I flirt and am making a conscious effort to look cute. (Okay, maybe I should change my preconceived notion of coffee expectations, sure meeting the love of my life in a coffee shop probably has the same statistical probabilities as meeting them in a bar, and I’ve definitely met a love in a bar.)

Also, what kind of listener are you when I tell you I don’t really drink coffee and still ask me out for a coffee date?! Over the years I’ve learned to see signs of men who are horrible at being on my side and listening. So if you can’t even listen to me for a first date suggestion, what makes me think you are going to listen to me about the really important things?

So there, you are not a really good listener and maybe you should be more creative than coffee (um like pomegranate martinis) for a first date.

Bottom line: It’s not rocket science. Guys if you want to stand out, do something creative for a first date. Even if you are doing the same creative thing for ten first dates. And if a girl tells you she’s not into something, LISTEN.


1. make time to read

Between school, working, extra-curricular activities and working out I don’t have a lot of free time. I miss reading for pleasure and I feel guilty when I do because there is always more school assignments to be read. But taking time out for the little things that bring me pleasure is important. So instead of watching hulu before bed I am going to make a conscious effort to read at least 15 minutes a night during the school year.

2. lessons of forgiveness

When I first heard that some of my guy friends are much more likely to forgive a girl early for her flandering mistakes than later on the relationship I didn’t think too much of it. I felt that I would be more likely to forgive a guy for cheating if it was later on in the relationship where I had an emotional investment and committment. It took me a while to realize that my guy friends were using the same argument, only arguing that because of the emotional investment the betrayal is much worse. From their point of view, early on there is no/little committment or emotions greatly invested so they are much more likely to forgive a girl. Where women, I believe, and myself look at an early on mistake as what’s more to come. The basis for how he will act/react throughout our whole relationship. I look at early on mistakes as, if he’s doing that now while things seem pretty good, what will he do later when things get tough?

I find this very interesting.

Then I realized my rationalizing of being more likely to forgive a man if I was already emotionally invested. This is a sunk cost! As time goes on, it makes sense that there should be a an exponential decrease of chancing that he will do something crappy to you.

3. guys read into little things and over react, too

Self explanatory.

4. guys do have feelings.

They just don’t like showing them. What are women mind readers? This is why ladies read into things and hold onto what seems like little signs of interest, etc. If guys showed their emotions than I guarantee that less women would be ‘crazy.’

5. less is more

Guys want a lady in the street.  Yes, men are visual people. We all react to visual stimulants. But really, any guy worth having wants a woman who isn’t afraid to leave a little to the imagination.


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September 2019
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